Those damned cars

What's Mallard raving about today?

Car Manufacturers, Taxes.

Man that guy's left arm is going to get tired holding up that sign all day.

That said, it's hard to argue with what looks like a fair amount of money in his tin cup.

That damned Jamie

What's Mallard raving about today?

Car Sales, Layoffs.

Ha ha! It's funny because people are losing their jobs.

That damned luck

What's Mallard raving about today?

Michael Phelps, A-Rod, Drugs, Cigarettes.

Odd. Vaguely current. Not polemic. Not political. Recognizable as a joke.

Who is writing Mallard Fillmore these days?

Those damned Nominees

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cabinet Nominees.

The Obama Administration deserves some ridicule for the incompetent way in which they have handled several cabinet nominees, I agree.

I am not certain, however, that living a completely mistake-free life, especially when it comes to completing tax returns, is a good litmus test.

Unless the plan is to actually vacate the government eventually.

Golden Ellipses: Achievement in Oversimplification or Willful Ignorance

And the winner is...

Hundreds of Scientists!

The Nominees for Achievement in Oversimplification or Willful Ignorance are...

• Hundreds of Scientists! - Over 400 Scientists? And yet the Media choose to believe the overwhelmingly larger number of scientists who believe the opposite? It's a scandal!
• B. Hussein Obama - Right. Because the use of President Obama's middle name is what people object to. It has nothing to do with the context and manner in which it is invoked.
• The EPA Said What? - Mallard, who routinely objects to Federal employees as lazy slobs, is suddenly aghast that the EPA has warnings about the disposal of Compact Fluorescent bulbs.
  
• Underperforming - Please ignore the fact that the article cited discusses how the proponents of the idea think it's totally inconsequential. Because Mallard says it's a threat!
• We're All Rich! - Please, do not actually look at President Obama's tax plan, because that would totally ruin this awesome joke!

Those damned movies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Oscars, Movies

Yes, the Oscars would be much simpler if they just awarded them based on box office. Which would make Hancock the 4th best movie of 2008. (I feel very safe saying that Hancock was not the 4th best anything in 2008.)

But, Slumdog Millionaire is approaching $170m in box office. Benjamin Button, about $243m. So you can't really say either of those two movies is not popular.

Previous winners since 2000:

• No Country For Old Men: $74m
• The Departed: $132
• Crash: $53m
• Million Dollar Baby: $100m
• Return of the King: $377m
• Chicago: $170m
• A Beautiful Mind: $170m
• Gladiator: $187m

Mostly popular movies...

Oh, and Dark Knight recently passed $1bn worldwide.

Those damned Oscars

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Oscars.

What the hell? No mention of Liberals in Hollywood? What about Environmental sanctimony?

Who's writing Mallard Fillmore these days?

That damned Washington

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Washington.

Kids know next to nothing about you? Show me some proof of that.

You have to share your birthday with Lincoln? Just last week Mallard was complaining that it was a holiday at all.

King George is laughing? The last time he came up in conversation it was because he was crazy from Porphyria.

Those damned noodles

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy, Gold, Ramen.

Ha ha! It's funny because people will be eating Ramen noodles because its all they can afford soon.

That damned Store

What's Mallard raving about today?

Electronics Stores.

The first two questions, in which Mallard cannot remember why he went to the store in the first place, suggest some for of mental breakdown.

As for that last question, I suggest you look no further than this for your answer.

Golden Ellipses: Most Violent Assault on the English Language

And the winner is...

Not Any Way
The nominees for Most Violent Assault on the English Language are:

• Saggy...what? - One presumes the inteant was to say that the ratings are getting saggy, However, the text actually says that Britney, Lindsay, and Paris are getting saggy.
• Regular or Racial? - Sensitive-o-meter. Enough said.
• Too many words - Requiring just 8 words to tell properly "Hello, Roger, I was just thinking of you."), Mallard uses 23 instead, with predictable results.
  
• Not Any Way - Using "not any way" instead of "no way" is just one about a half-dozen assaults on the language in this miserable bit of doggerel.
• One Little Word - When attempting to be taken seriously, it would help if the writer understood the difference between "revealed to Al Gore" and "revealed by Al Gore" and was able to use the appropriate one.
  

Meta-Post: Comments

To turn off Anonymous commenting, Blogger requires registration with Blogger or another OpenID site.

Way back in 2006, I enabled people to comment without a Blogger/OpenID, which is when the comments started happening, which makes the site much more enjoyable, recent trolling notwithstanding.

I find Anonymous comments particularly cowardly also, but I also don't want to cut people off from being able to comment just because they don't have the requisite account somewhere.

How many people would get cut off, if I disabled Anonymous comments?

That damned Stimulation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Stimulus

Eww. Just...eww.

That damned stimulus

What's Mallard raving about today?

Stimulus

As opposed to the Bush Administration's Bank Bailout, in which they took the victim's wallet, gave all of the money away, and did not even ask for Administrative oversight so they would know where the money went.

That damned Age

What's Mallard raving about today?

Democrats, Republicans.

Actually, it's fairly easy to tell them apart.

Democrats are the ones who cave in at the first sign of resistance, even when resistance would be of benefit to the country.

Republicans are the ones who wont cross party lines, even when cooperation would be of benefit to the country.

Those damned Cabinet Positions

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, President Obama, Cabinet Positions.

OK, I smiled at this.

Frankly, the Obama Administration deserves to be the butt of Letterman/Stewart/Colbert jokes for not doing their homework. After the last 8 years, I am just hoping this is not a small sign of a larger incompetence.

Golden Ellipses: The IOKIYAR Award (for Brazenness or Hypocrisy)

And the winner is...

Concern Trolling
The nominees for The IOKIYAR Award (for Brazenness or Hypocrisy) are...

• Brian Williams Likes Barack Obama - I don't recall similar concerns when Chris Matthews was gushing about President Bush, as he landed on the aircraft carrier to declare: Mission Accomplished!
• Defining "There" - Mallard calculus...Important: Decades old Clinton word parsing. Not Important: current Bush Administration unwillingness to define what "torture" is.
• Concern Trolling - Falsely conflating the Democratic Primary process with voter suppression (to express grave concern over the treatment of Hillary Clinton!) while ignoring actual voter suppression from Republicans.
• Nepotism - Mallard calculus...Important: Hillary Clinton being Bill Clinton's wife. Not Important: President Bush being President Bush's son.
• Guilt by Association - On one hand, ascribing guilt by association with Rod Blagojevich to President Lincoln would be crazy. On the other hand, did you know Rod Blegojevich and President Obama are both from Illinois? It's true, you can look it up on Conservapedia.
  

Bonus points to Mallard this year for such an impressive effort, while lacking a Larry Craig figure about which to be hypocritical.

That damned GS-12

What's Mallard raving about today?

Federal Employees.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Federal Employees don't go to work on Federal Holidays! Wow, that's...well, obvious.

Banks are also closed on Monday, aren't they? No criticism of them? And what about those lazy teachers? Sheesh, what a wasted opportunity.

Also, Mallard criticizing people for laziness in their work is richly ironic.

That damned criticism

What's Mallard raving about today?

Emails, Criticism, President Obama.

What a poor little Right-Wing martyr!

Only problem is that criticizing people who had no power or ability to impact our lives worked fine for Mallard prior to 2006 when he was rampant in criticizing Democrats and Liberals. At the same time, not a word of criticism was uttered about the Republicans who held power, even though they (in the words of Matt Taibbi):

"...castrated the political minority, abdicated their oversight responsibilities mandated by the Constitution, enacted a conscious policy of massive borrowing and unrestrained spending, and installed a host of semipermanent mechanisms for transferring legislative power to commercial interests."

Elections have consequences.

That damned respect

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, The President.

Same joke as yesterday, same comment from me.

Charges of hypocrisy from a hypocrite are hard to credit.

Those damned stickers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Bumper Stickers, Volvos.

Meanwhile, shrieks of "Support the President, because he's the President!" are being replaced by snarls of "I hope Obama fails." (And we have a candidate for the IOKIYAR in 2009!)

Additional note: we knew who you meant before you insulted Volvo owners in college towns. We always know who you mean. Painting an explicit stereotype is not necessary.

That damned reading

What's Mallard raving about today?

Diana Gabaldon, Women.

If you spend as much time in front of the TV as Mallard does, you pretty much forfeit the right to make fun of anyone for reading anything, since your only reading material is the ESPN Bottom Line.

Anything.

Golden Ellipses: The Golden Flash (Most Mystifying Panel)

And the winner is...

No Grad Students

The Nominees for The Golden Flash (Most Mystifying Panel) are...

• No Grad Students - Some sort of parable about Oil Company profits veers into the absurd.
• Called Shot - Mallard calls the result of the 2008 election just a little bit too early, apparently having internalized the Bush credo that popularity outside America is a bad thing.
• Singer-Songwriter - Less than a week after an historic election, Mallard makes an even more historic stand against singer-songwriters.
• Gift Card - Mallard states the completely obvious, for reasons still not quite clear.
• Pop Tarts - The pile of groceries causes the reader to spend 30 minutes trying to figure out why Mom wants her daughter to be a Toaster Pastry. After you finally realizes Mallard didn't mean those Pop Tarts, it is less mystifying, but a lot more cranky.

Remember, if you fully understand any of them, they are disqualified.

Those damned Taxes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, Treasury Secretary.

Just when you think Democrats might not shoot themselves in the foot, it turns out they are, you know, Democrats.

That damned Poem

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reverend Lowery, Poetry.

Number of times Mallard expressed outrage over Reverend Lowery's poem: 1 (so far).

Number of times Mallard expressed outrage over descriptions of President Obama as a terrorist, during the campaign: 0.

That damned Cupid

What's Mallard raving about today?

St. Valentine's Day.

For a guy who was complaining that President Obama did not "believe in commerce," Mallard really does not believe in commerce. Or does he believe that Big Spending Liberals "institutionalized" St. Valentines Day on some nefarious day in the past?

The only consistency in Mallard's ideology is his narrow mindset. Strict adherence to everything Mallard believes is the only way to avoid being called a traitor or apostate.

That damned blame

What's Mallard raving about today?

Democrats.

Actually...the available blame has already been placed, on the group of incompetents who created this this mess. We ascribed blame by evicting them from Office in the election.

In two years, we have another chance to assign blame and/or reward success, depending on how this group handles the mess.

See, this is known as "Democracy." You might want to Google it one of these days, Mallard.

That damned Battle Cry

What's Mallard raving about today?

Republicans.

No, that was the battle cry of the Bush Administration.

But, by all means, make the Republican Party even more extremist than it already is.

Golden Ellipses: Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation

And the winner is...

At the Mall
The nominees for Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation are...

• A Sense of Obligation - How special Mrs. Mallard must feel.
• At the Mall - Mallard hangs out in the Girl's Wear Department.
• Black and White - If the world does not break down into easily understood black and white terms, Mallard resorts to violence. Nuance will lead to murder.
  
• Science Fair - Mallard hates children.
  
• Mallard's Home Life - Life at the Mallard Home was, and is, full of bitterness and recrimination.

Cast your vote now!

That damned Hi-Def

What's Mallard raving about today?

Digital Hi-Def.

Wow. Just...wow.

Mallard Fillmore is running out of things to rave about.

That damned Style

What's Mallard raving about today?

Style, Substance.

This morality play would work better if Mallard could actually draw a wheel in a manner that did not make me think the caveman invented the letter "O".

That damned divide

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, The Media, Cheerleaders.

He's going to heal the divide between reporting and cheerleading?

What? That makes no sense at all. Seriously, please read over your work before you hand it in.

Golden Ellipses: Creativity in Cartooning (Highest Text-to-Image Ratio)

And the winner is...

D.C. Gun Law Test
The nominees for Creativity in Cartooning (Highest Text-to-Image Ratio) are...

• Baked Potato Racism - All those words...with a brown oval to break things up.
• Tracking a Package - That is not a typo. A cartoon showing Mallard reading the entire text of a package-tracking status update on his laptop.
• D.C. Gun Law Test - A mountain of text, 2 pictures of Mallard's head.
• Roddy McGillivrey - Complaints about local judicial elections. An image continuity error in panel 2...where did the beanie go? And Mallard illustrates someone "riding coat tails" by having them grab a drape.
• What's Racist - Two images of a Straw Liberal to break up yet another rant about how aggreived Mallard feels by the fact that everyone calls him a racist.

After you spend the hour necessary to read all the text in these 5 nominees, go vote.

That damned groundhog

What's Mallard raving about today?

Groundhog Day, President Obama.

Only Mallard would need to "get used" to being optimistic about the future.

That damned involvement

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Super Bowl, Elections, Involvement.

Mallard hates Democracy, because other people are involved in the process of elections, including people of whom he does not approve.