That damned Order

What's Mallard raving about today?

The census.

It amazing that someone can suck this badly at their job and still retain it.

That damned Lobby

What's Mallard raving about today?

The census.

Mallard doesn't understand what a "Lobby" is.

Not entirely surprising, given he's part of an Astroturf group that doesn't realize they are being manipulated by Right Wing Lobbies.

That damned Government

What's Mallard raving about today?

Race, The Government.

Mallard knows he is talking to the Government because no one else will talk to him anymore, since he is a raving lunatic. "The Census may have failed to destroy America the first 23 times, but this time you've gone too far! I'm serious. Why are you laughing at me?"

Those damned Others

What's Mallard raving about today?

Race, The Census

How will the Republic ever survive the Census?

Look what happened the last time when they asked the same exact question.

Those damned forms

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Census, Race.

Mallard, asking someone what race they are for purposes of understanding the demographic makeup of your data set has absolutely nothing to do with caring what race an individual in the survey sample is.

You'd know this if you had an ounce of intelligence. Or intellectual honesty.

That said, I look forward to Mallard squaring this sentiment with his oft-repeated stance that Profiling is good and his soon to emerge defense of Arizona's new Immigration law.

That damned subtext

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sports, Cheetohs.

Wow. Much homoerotic subtext?

And. Mallard...even baseball players could kick your Cheetoh-eating feather butt.

That damned Policy

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Talk Radio.

Beck, Limbaugh, and O'Reilly...the same guys who feed you the nonsense that President Obama's policy is "weak" and whom you believe with unthinking obeisance?

Those damned Jobs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Jobs.

If Mallard has an alternative to achieving the Constitutional requirement to count US Citizens, I'd like to hear it. In the meantime, in this economy, I'd say some of those million people are feeling quite fortunate to have any job at all.

The IRS Agents crap is a bald-faced lie.

That said, some trash may be left behind at Earth Day gatherings, ipso facto Environmentalism is a sham. It's science people.

That damned Link

What's Mallard raving about today?

Earth Day, Words.

Next time Mallard is flapping his beak about speech codes on campus, remember...he objects to anyone referring to the Earth as "the Planet."

Why exactly he objects to this is probably best explained by the fact that he's hanging out with and taking all his cues from the lunatic fringe.

That damned Care

What's Mallard raving about today?

Earth Day.

Even the lamest of comic strips, and let's go ahead an use Spider-Man for purposes of example, manages to advance a plot (however incrementally) after saying something lame like "continued" in an exposition box.

Mallard Fillmore, however, simply repeats the same joke.

It's like Waiting for Godot as written by Glenn Beck.

That damned CO2

What's Mallard raving about today?

Earth Day.

Seriously? Stop breathing? That's what you have for Earth Day?

Oh, and your scientific knowledge is as impressive as ever.

That damned Blame

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh.

The only people claiming President Obama's poll numbers have anything to do with Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh are Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.

And the only people repeating that claim are the people they told to repeat it.

Like Mallard.

The damned Menu

What's Mallard raving about today?

Food.

Mallard, when KFC is unveiling a chicken sandwich that is two pieces of fried chicken with bacon, cheese, and "special sauce" between them, it's pretty stupid to be suggesting that anyone is being forced to produce or eat healthy food against their will.

Also, the assumption that well-made food does not taste good would prove you were the stupidest waterfowl on the planet, had you not already done so previously.

That damned Influence

What's Mallard raving about today?

Influence Peddling.

Halliburton and KBR made a fortune during the Bush/Republican as a result of their connections.

But now Mallard is outraged by influence peddling?

That damned Choice

What's Mallard raving about today?

N.O.W. Health Insurance Reform.

Blame the Republicans, the mandate was their stupid idea.

Blame President Obama for including Republican ideas in a futile attempt at bipartisanship with a group of people who would rather burn the country down than build it up.

Just don't blame the majority of Americans who wanted, and still want, Government-run Health Care.

Those damned Europeans

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, Europeans.

Did Mallard just admit that we pay only half the taxes that Europeans pay? I mean "Europeans." You know, those scary folks pretending to be European.

Isn't that admission totally at odds with the claim of a Socialist takeover of America?

And why are his kids taxes going to be lower? Isn't that totally at odds with the claim of out-of-control-spending (please ignore the fact that Republicans ran up the majority of it).

Seriously, who is guest writing Mallard Fillmore today?

Those damned Agents

What's Mallard raving about today?

Health Care, IRS Agents.

In other news, Mallard is a lying sack of crap with no sense of decency.

OK, I admit that's not exactly news...

Update: Ooops! Changed IRA Agents -> IRS Agents. Big difference. Though, notably, Mallard's claim would not be any more false had he said "IRA Agents".

Those damned Taxes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, Civil Disobedience.

Protesting Jim Crow laws.

Protesting taxes in a country with one of the lowest tax rates in the Industrialized world.

Yep. Pretty much the same thing.

On a more pleasant note, tax evasion is a felony (if Wikipedia is to be believed), so here's hoping the Teabaggers will forfeit their right to vote en masse this April.

That damned Pork

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pork.

Well, not pork. But bacon...hells yeah. You can have my vote for bacon!

Insightful stuff from Mallard today. Protesting something that's been going on since humans first formed governments. Finally caught up, eh Mallard?

Those damned Crowds

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, Speaker Pelosi, Senator Reid.

Oh, really?

Like this guy? ("Vanderboegh said he once worked as a warehouse manager but now lives on government disability checks.")

Or this guy? ("When Tom Grimes lost his job as a financial consultant 15 months ago, he called his congressman, a Democrat, for help getting government health care.")

Also, the Teabaggers don't even understand the Tax Policy they are moaning about. Case in point...a certain waterfowl who thinks that if you don't owe additional tax in April it means you pay no taxes.

Those damned Butts

What's Mallard raving about today?

Health Care Reform, USPS.

Considering the only Post Office jokes I've encountered come from Mallard Fillmore and make no sense...um...well...touché?

That damned Letter

What's Mallard raving about today?

Congress.

As we've discussed previously, the suggestion that Americans did not want Health Care Reform is either willfully ignorant or monumentally stupid.

Either is possible in Mallard's case, I understand. Just pointing it out.

Those damned signs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, Congress.

Mallard, if you want people to judge the character of the Teabaggers by the signs they carry, I suggest you not spend the previous day castigating people for judging the Teabaggers by the signs they carry.

Epic FAIL.

Those damned stereotypes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Stereotypes, Journalism, Teabaggers.

If you're serious, you probably shouldn't give speaking slots at your convention to nutjob conspiracy theorists and overt racists.

Just saying.

That damned Party

What's Mallard raving about today?

Democrats, Healthcare.

Spiking the ball before you are in the end zone.

Baaaaad Karma.

Those damned people

What's Mallard raving about today?

Democrats, Taxpayers.

Mallard once again demonstrates his utter ignorance in all things related to math.

Prior to passage of HCR, it is true, a majority of Americans were not in favor of passage. But any honest (I know, I know) evaluation of the numbers would recognize that among those opposed some respondents opposed because they didn't feel it went far enough (12% in the poll cited in that article). A majority are in favor of reform, however.

This has been, of course, further borne out by post-passage polling.

Mallard, however, remains ignorant (if we give him the benefit of the doubt) and a lying hack (if we don't).

That said, kudos for the crucial use of the word "taxpayers" in that last sentence. No doubt Mallard will soon claim that, among taxpayers (as opposed to the slothful rest of us), health care reform polls abysmally. It won't be true, but why would that stop Mallard?

That damned Oil

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, Speaker Pelosi, Senator Reid.

Wow, Mallard spends a lot of time imagining scenarios in which he, and his nut-bag cohorts are the topic of conversation among Americas political leaders.

Not for the first time...delusions of grandeur.

Those damned Populists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers.

Strange...I think the problem with this brand of populism is the overt racism, the whack-job conspiracy theorists, and the fact that it's not actually populist.

That damned Joy Behar

What's Mallard raving about today?

Joy Behar

And yet, she has a television career, while Mallard sits in an empty void staring at a blank television screen that is, for reasons passing understanding, oriented vertically rather than horizontally.

That damned Fool

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

I got a few more for you:

• Saddam Hussein was involved in 9-11.
• Iraq has weapons of Mass Destruction.
• America does not engage in torture.
• Republicans stand for fiscal responsibility.

April Fool, indeed...