That damned Party

What's Mallard raving about today?

Democrats? Republicans?

So, normally I would assume that Mallard is criticizing the Democrats, and referring to some of the recent special elections).

But this would make more sense as a criticism of Republicans who whacked most of the world over the head, took everyone's stuff and given it top the most wealthy (leaving us with a $12b deficit), and lost the last 2 elections (special elections notwithstanding).

Theories welcome in the comments.

Golden Ellipses: The IOKIYAR Award (for Brazenness or Hypocrisy)

And the winner is...Fear Mongering!

The nominees for The IOKIYAR Award (for Brazenness or Hypocrisy) are:

• Costs (Post) - But I was totally OK with all that stuff President Bush and the Republicans did which turned a $200 Million surplus into a $12 Billion deficit.
• Fear Mongering (Post) - The party of Death Panels and Birthers making accusations of fear mongering?
• Opposition (Post) - It's not like Republicans and Fox have criticized a war time President or engaged in unhinged opposition to policies for purely political reasons.
• Strings (Post) - And yet, opposing the War against Iraq...an act of treason.
• Czar (Post) - Just ignore all the Bush era Czars, OK?

Those damned Deals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education, Sub-Prime Loans.

Let's see...

Educators trying to increase the amount of funding they receive by whatever means are given to them under current law.

Mortage lenders making bad loans because they assume the housing market will continue to go up, under any circumstance.

Why, these things are exactly the same!

And let's ignore the finance banks betting on these bad loans, because the whole economic crisis...nothing to do with Goldman Sachs, it was caused by poor people.

That damned Repetition

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education Standards

For a guy who likes to bitch and moan about how repetitive current Education methods are, Mallard sure does like to repeat himself over and over.

Golden Ellipses: The Golden Flash (Most Mystifying Panel)

And the winner is...Job Interview!

The nominees for The Golden Flash (Most Mystifying Panel) are:

• Job Interview (Post) - There's no joke and it's really unclear just what Mallard is complaining about.
• Status Quo (Post) - Change, represented by the caveman, is really the status quo...or something to that effect.
• Laughs (Post) - I am supposed to believe T.V. Audiences are watching, let alone laughing at Moammar Khadafy? Bonus: Mallard is giving advice on being funny?
• Bailout (Post) - Something goes awry when Mallard decides to try for a bailout metaphor instead of complaining about the BCS.
• Hi-Def (Post) - Mallard is either being deeply, deeply ironic or just mystifying. As he has never shown any depth, I think it's the latter.

Those damned scores

What's Mallard raving about today?

Schools, Grades.

In a general sense, of course this is idiotic. But, since school funding is now largely performance-based, schools are doing the rational thing and finding ways to insure their funding.

Sorry, Mallard, this is what happens when free market principles are applied to schools as a result of Republican policies. Unintended consequences, indeed.

That damned Addiction

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rahm Emmanuel

Wow, given that Rahm used the word once (to insult Liberal groups, by the way), Mallard will really need to go to town on Rush Limbaugh for using it four times in one show.

Golden Ellipses: Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation

And the winner is...Pop Tarts!

The nominees for Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation are:

• Elitism (Post) - Mallard, quite literally, does not believe in the right to vote for people of whom he does not approve.
• Profound Principle (Post) - Profound Principle, perhaps not. Mental problem, more likely.
• Profoundly Stupid (Post) - Mallard does not know how to turn off the TV.
• Pop Tarts (Post) - Mallard watches the Disney Channel a lot, and with a pretty disturbing view of their programming.
• At the Mall (Post) - Mallard is an expert about what goes on with pre-teen bimbettes at the mall.

That damned R-Word

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rahm Emmanuel

Whereas poor Sarah Palin had to invent the world's lamest excuse for why it was OK when Rush Limbaugh called people retards, I feel certain Mallard will not even mention it.

But at the end of the day, who really cares? Isn't this just Political Correctness run amok, Mallard?

Golden Ellipses: Most Disturbing Image (Mental or Visual)

And the winner in a runoff, with 57% of the votes, is Double Penis-Chin!

We have a tie, between Double Penis-Chin and Moonie Eyes. We'll subject them to a one-on-one run-off vote!

The nominees for Most Disturbing Image (Mental or Visual) are:

• Hands (Post) - Mallard forces the reader to think about what a stimulated cartoonist is doing with his hands.
• Double Penis-Chin (Post) - Mallard gets a bit carried away with his favorite phallic feature.
• Moonie Eyes (Post) - Mallard makes moonie eyes at the reader while exposing his crotch.
• Hard Out Here (Post) - The Government is pimping out Car Dealership Employees to make a bit of extra money.
• Stimulated (Post) - Mallard gives up all pretense to subtlety and just lays the sexual innuendo out there for all to see.

That damned Rahm

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rahm Emmanuel

Rahm Emmanuel has a foul mouth. And this matters why, exactly?

Mallard is, satirically-speaking, a retard.

That damned Vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

I have no idea, but have your own fun in the comments.

That damned Relief

What's Mallard raving about today?

I have no idea, I am on vacation and avoiding Mallard Fillmore.

That damned Habitat

What's Mallard raving about today?

MSNBC Viewers, Volvo, Saab, Prep School, Starbucks.

Mallard spends an entire day on a recitation of Liberal stereotypes. Seriously, he gets paid to do this?

Golden Ellipses: Most Interminable Series or Running Theme

And the winner is...Things That Are Racist II!

The nominees for Most Interminable Series or Running Theme are:

• Collectibles (Post) - Lacking anything real to complain about in January 2009 didn't stop Mallard. Stupid President Obama and stupid collectibles.
• Pirates (Post) - After Navy SEALS rescue an American from Pirates, Mallard goes on an extended Straw Man rant against Liberals who he imagined were supporting Pirate rights.
• Self-Congratulation (Post) - Congratulations to me! Congratulations to me! Congratulations dear Mallard! Congratulations to me!
• Hulk Not Smash (Post) - Disney's takeover of Marvel pissed Mallard off and led to some quease-inducing moments during an extended rant.
• Enemies List (Post) - After going through 12 months of Mallard Fillmore, I can tell you that 10-20% of the panels in 2009 involved some mention of the Fox-invented "Enemies List." Although not consecutive, it certainly qualifies. I chose this representative panel because it managed to incorporate last year's winner in this category: Things That Are Racist.
• Things That Are Racist II (Post) - The first sequel ever nominated for back-to-back Golden Ellipses. In this example, he manages to combine it with the death of Michael Jackson for extra "ick" factor.

That damned MSNBC

What's Mallard raving about today?

MSNBC.

Mallard is about to go on an extended rant about Keith Olbermann's ratings.

And, of course, Mallard's contention will be that Olbermann's ratings are a direct indication of whether or not Progressives are right about anything.

Except when they were going up during the Bush Administration, when it meant nothing, nothing at all.

This is the network version of the fact that Mallard is obsessed with President Obama's approval rating, while President Bush's were never mentioned.

That damned Blame

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, The Economy.

One the day in which I posted the nominees for Most Interminable Series or Running Theme, I appreciate Mallard going back to the Things That Are Racist well, once again.

In true Mallard fashion, of course, this is an outright lie in the way he wishes it were true (you can count on one hand the number of mainstream figures blaming criticism of President Obama on Racsim). And it is true in the way he wishes it were a lie (Teabaggers carrying Obama Witch Doctor signs can hardly avoid charges of Racism).

2009 Golden Ellipses: Least Accurate Caricature

And the winner, by a landslide, is...Michelle Obama!

The Nominees for Least Accurate Caricature are:

• Michelle Obama - I have no idea who this is supposed to be, but one person it does not look like is Michelle Obama.
• Justice David Souter - Mallard has a real ear fetish, why make Justice Souter look like Dumbo?
• Senator Boxer - Mallard sets out to caricature Senator Boxer and ends up drawing Sybil Trelawney.
• Robert Gibbs - Looking like Karl Rove, after his head was caught in a compactor.
• Zombie Obama - In a year of lengthening penis-chins, Zombie Obama really stood out from the crowd.

That damned Drift

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hope, Change, Jobs.

While not making light of anyone who is out of a job, to blame President Obama for the job losses caused by President Bush's Recession would be like blaming President Clinton for 9-11...oh, wait.

Taking responsibility is a great thing, so long as no one ever asks you to do it, eh, Mallard?

That damned Book

What's Mallard raving about today?

America, Tell-All Books.

Mallard wishes he were important enough to be the subject of a sleazy tell-all book.

2009 Golden Ellipses: Least Helpful Asterisk

And the winner is...Invisible Protestors.

The nominees for Least Helpful Asterisk are:

• Fox News - Fox, avowed enemy of President Obama, are the source for Mallard's claim that the White House keeps an Enemies List. Because it's not like Fox would lie about something like that.
• Michelle Malkin - An unimpeachable source, if ever there was one.
• Oh, Really? - Unfortunately, in this case the asterisk only serves to highlight Mallard's lie.
• Invisible Protesters - Mallard cites Newsbusters as the source for another outright lie, this time regarding the number of people who showed up for a Teabagger rally.
• Go Read It, I Didn't - Mallard cites a New York Times study, but then only the part that fits his narrative and ignores the majority of the study which tells a different story.

That damned Stand

What's Mallard raving about today?

Valentine's Day, Capitalism.

Conservatives in a nutshell: I refuse to take a stand when something affects other people. But when it affects me...expect Teabagger-like hysterics.

That damned Cupid

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama.

Real Estate. Hilarious. Especially in 2010.

2009 Golden Ellipses: A Break Instead of a Lecture Award (Pettiest Complaint)

And the winner is...Grammar Police!


The nominees for the A Break Instead of a Lecture Award (Pettiest Complaint) are:

• Nothing's On - What do you do when there's nothing worth watching on TV? Read a book? Take a walk? If you are Mallard, you complain about it.
• Grammar Police - "Common and minor grammatical errors are inexcusable." Don't be that guy, Mallard. Nobody likes that guy.
  
• Has this ever happened to you? No? - Mallard, apparently, has a history of packages being destroyed by the USPS, and he seems to believe it happens to everyone else as well.
• Car Alarms - Mallard discovered car alarms a decade after Stand-Up Comedians decided the topic was tired.
• Etc. - You know what really irks me? Shall I tell you? OK...Etc. pisses me off.
  

That damned Mallentine

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Cubs, Pigs, Hell.

Mallard uses the election in Massachusetts to announce to his wife/lover/hen that he no longer loves them.

Stay classy, Mallard.

Those damned Parents

What's Mallard raving about today?

Kids, Parents, Television.

Pretty rich from a duck who spends about 75% of his cartoon glued to the television. A duck who, lacking the capacity for original thought, has replaced it with mindless repetition of what he hears on television. And a duck who is driven to righteous anger whenever a Hollywood Celebrity dares to voice an opinion about child-rearing.

Plus, to quote Bill Cosby: "This is not your child."

2009 Golden Ellipses: Worst Metaphor

And the winner, in one of the closest votes in Golden Ellipse history, is...Turkeys




The nominees for Worst Metaphor are:

• Anybody Seen Bob? - Americans, at least under President Obama, are wimpy little Herbivores and our enemies are scary Carnivores. If we try to talk with them, they'll just kill and then eat our ambassadors.
• Dinosaur Religion - See, dinosaurs hold their own Protestant religious beliefs and Global Warming is an opposing religious viewpoint, and then there's the fossil fuel thing...Look, people, this makes total sense!
• You just don't get it - The Caveman is change. But he's also the status quo. And a caveman. Q.E.D.
• The Natural Order of Things - Hate crimes are completely natural, just like eating.
  
• Turkeys - Americans are simple-minded turkeys who are about to be slaughtered and eaten by hungry Pilgrims, which represent Europeans, obviously enough.
  

That damned Electorate

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Electorate, Progressives.

Uh, Mallard, we knew about the Right-Wing bigoted idiots in 2008. They just went from the Palin rallies to the Teabagger rallies.

Those damned offers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hugo Chavez, the Ivy League, MSNBC.

Despite what Mallard says, there is no proof that Hugo Chavez's views represents mainstream Progressives in the United States.

Contrast that with Pat Robertson, who speaks for millions of Right Wing zealots and who has had direct access to the President of the United States, who said this about Haiti:

They were under the heel of the French, you know Napoleon the third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said 'we will serve you if you will get us free from the prince.'...so the devil said, 'ok it's a deal.' And they kicked the French out. But ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another.

How long before Mallard talks about that statement?

Meta-Post: 2009 Golden Ellipses

This year, sadly, we say goodbye to a perennial favorite category (Worst Rhyme Scheme) because Mallard did not grace us with poetry this year.

But we're adding a few new categories (and getting rid of a few I no longer care for), to keep things fun and interesting:

• Worst Metaphor
• A Break Instead of a Lecture (Pettiest Complaint)
  
• Least Helpful Asterisk
• Least Accurate Caricature
• Most Interminable Series or Running Theme
• Most Disturbing Image (Mental or Visual)
• Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation
• The Golden Flash (Most Mystifying Panel)
• The IOKIYAR Award (for Brazenness or Hypocrisy)
• Achievement in Oversimplification or Willful Ignorance
• Limbaugh Award for Best Regurgitation of Talking Points
• Ray Bolger Award for Invention in Straw Men
• Least Accurate Prediction
• The Beck (Strangest Assertion)
• The WATB for Manufactured Outrage or Persecution Complex
• Excellence in False Equivalency
• The Palin (Lie of the Year)

Let the ceremonies begin!

Those damned lists

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

Two, two, two lies in one!

The Fox-fueled non-existent enemies list and now Obama has never met his Grandmother?

Next up...How President Obama heartlessly ignored his Grandmother for his entire life. I know it's true, because Mallard Fillmore said Obama claimed he didn't know her.

Is the Right Wing in general, and Mallard in specific, capable of uttering anything other than falsehoods?

That damned Company

What's Mallard raving about today?

Congress.

This one will make the Golden Ellipse list in 2010 for Worst Metaphor, because I really have no idea what Mallard is talking about.

What does Congress sell that no one wants...but then give to other people? The Military? Social Security? Medicare?

I'm sure he's probably referring to "wasteful spending", but I think President Obama put it best when discussing it with Republicans (emphasis mine):

"I think one thing that, you know, you have to acknowledge...that the earmarks problem is not unique to one party, and you end up getting a lot of pushback when you start going after specific projects of any one of you in your districts, because wasteful spending is usually spent somehow outside of your district. Have you noticed that? The spending in your district tends to seem pretty sensible."

That damned Generation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Generations, Language.

So in 20 years Mallard Fillmore will still be around and the only change is that he'll be wearing glasses?

Sorry folks...I can't keep this up for 20 more years.

That damned Facebook

What's Mallard raving about today?

Facebook.

What the hell is that fleshy protuberance Ms. Pitera seems to be holding with her left hand?

Meta-Post: Golden Ellipses

Responding to a comment, I have been very remiss in getting Golden Ellipses started for this year.

You can imagine how much I enjoy going back through a year's worth of Mallard Fillmore, but I got myself into this mess, so I guess I have no right to complain.

It is still on my to-do list, just bear with me for a little while longer.

That damned touch

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Reid, Race.

Out of touch? You really want to talk about who is out of touch?

• 68% of Republicans either believe President Obama should be impeached or are not sure.
• 58% of Republicans are not sure if he was born in the United States or are sure he wasn't (and I'm sure race plays no part in this shared delusion)
• 57% either believe he wants the terrorists to win or are not sure if he wants them to win.
• And 64% either believe he hates white people or are not sure if he hates white people.

Bottom Line: About 33% of Republicans are batshit insane. Another 33% are not sure whether they are batshit insane, but they may be.

That damned moratorium

What's Mallard raving about today?

NBC, Free Speech.

Shouldn't be too hard.

Mallard's had an unofficial moratorium on jokes for almost 3-1/2 years, as far as I can tell.

Anyone know what Mallard has got against NBC all of a sudden?

Those damned Weeks

What's Mallard raving about today?

Haiti, The United States.

It is totally unfair.

We donate money and time, only making a few hateful and politically motivated comments about Haiti, and the World refuses to immediately ignore our recent history of torture, an illegal war, indefinite detention, and disappearing people without any due process.

The nerve.

That damned Donkey

What's Mallard raving about today?

Democrats, President Obama.

If that thing passed me on the street, whether or not it said "Hi" would be the least of my concerns. Immediately checking myself into rehab would be my first impulse.

When President Bush spoke out against animal-human hybrids I had no idea how widespread the problem already was.