That damned Tie

What's Mallard raving about today?

Disclosure, Ties and Jackets.

I believe this is the first time any character has made it all the way through a speech bubble, specifically the second one, without uttering a complete falsehood.

His point about the jacket and tie is, specifically, well-taken. Mallard, Shoe wants it's wardrobe back.

That damned Fever

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Census.

I like how Larry's tongue is sticking out of his mouth, as if this were some sort of difficult math problem Larry's trying to solve.

For God's sake man, just write your phone number down!

That damned Input

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education.

More accurately:

1. Johnny can't read. Conservatives refuse to fund education and see no connection between the two.
2. Johnny can't count. Conservatives refuse to fund education and see no connection between the two.
3. Conservatives fear the dumbing down of the population is not occurring rapidly enough. Quick! Write Thomas Jefferson out of the history books!

Those Damned Revolters

What's mallard raving about today?

Tebaggers, Speaker Pelosi, Senator Reid.

Missing, of course, are the teabaggers spitting on Black congressmen and hurling racial epithets at them. Plus, of course, homophobic epithets at Barney Frank.

That damned nostalgia

What's Mallard raving about today?

Network News, Nostalgia.

Mallard just figured out that network news has become irrelevant? I'm used to dealing with a 3 week lag, but a decade-long lag?

That damned Bankruptcy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education, National Debt.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Education is 1.32% of the 2010 Budget.

Unless Mallard means that by spending 14 times as much on Defense as Education we are bankrupting our future, Mallard is an idiot with no math skills.

But it's not like that is a surprise.

That damned cure

What's Mallard raving about today?

NCAA Basketball, Olympics, Oscars.

A cure for the Winter Olympics and the Oscars? I can't even begin to guess what that is supposed to mean.

Assuming that it must mean Mallard hates the Winter Olympics (unmanly sports?) and the Oscars (Hollywood-types!), may I suggest that the "cure" is to turn off the TV?

On the plus side, I would expect to see this one in next year's Golden Ellipses for Most Mystifying Panel (otherwise know as the Golden Flash).

That damned Highlight

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, North Carolina.

Greatest. Mallard. Fillmore. Ever.

Those damned Jobs

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Jobs, the Census.

It really takes a special brand of ignoramus to oppose the Census and/or not understand the necessity for it. Or to not understand that its a Constitutional requirement.

Strict constructionists, my ass.

That damned Relevance

What's Mallard raving about today?

Democrats, Republicans.

It doesn't happen often, but when it does I will admit that Mallard actually got something right.

Ironic, however, that it comes a day after the Democrats finally pass some form of Health Reform. It will now be interesting to see if Democrats are capable on running on their accomplishment, or whether they will cower, cringe, and apologize in the face of Republican attacks, as always.

That said, I, for one, welcome our new Socialist overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted New Media personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground Socialism caves.

That damned book

What's Mallard raving about today?

Spring, Al Gore.

It's dark outside right now! The sun has gone away forever!

I would ask whether Mallard is stupid enough to actually believe that this constitutes critical thought.

But he amply demonstrated recently that you can't really go wrong underestimating his intelligence.

So, yeah, he is that stupid.

That damned Smirk

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, NBC News.

A smirk? I'd say that was pretty mild reaction to a bunch of Right-Wing conspiracy-theory nut bags who don't even know how to use Urban Dictionary.

That damned Candidate

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Republicans.

It really is sad.

I mean, remember when President Obama first took office and the Republicans didn't reflexively oppose everything he did on purely partisan grounds?

Yeah. Me neither.

Golden Ellipses: The Palin (Lie of the Year)

And the winner is...Death Panels!

The nominees for our final Golden Ellipse, The Palin (Lie of the Year), are:

• Tax and Spend (Post) - President Obama lowered taxes for 95% of Americans. President Bush and Republicans turned a surplus into a $12 trillion deficit without one word from Mallard or anything to show for it. But President Obama raised taxes and was the first President ever to spend money.
• Nationalization (Post) - Propping up Financial Institutions and Auto Manufacturers, and getting shares in return for our investment, is Nationalization of the entire economy.
• Millions (Post) - What if we someone staged a rally and a couple million (imaginary) protesters showed up?
• Apologies (Post) - Attempting to improve our standing with allies is "apologizing". And America has nothing to apologize for...ever. To borrow from President Nixon: "I'm saying that when America does it, it's not illegal."
• Death Panels (Post) - Mallard's version of the original Lie of the Year.

Those damned Partiers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, Reporters.

Dear Amy,

By now, you have found that asking Mallard what it's like to be a Conservative Journalist results in an answer that makes absolutely no sense at all.

Please forgive him. He has no idea what it's like to be a journalist, Conservative or otherwise.

Best,

DaveyK

That damned dialect

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Reid, Speaker Pelosi, President Obama, Teabaggers.

I've tried, for two days, to avoid the "substance" (for lack of a better word) of this series.

But the notion that anyone who supported the Oligarchy under President Bush now wants to criticize anyone for Elitism or living in an Ivory Tower is simply beyond the pale.

Not to mention the fact that the Teabaggers are mostly a group of conspiracy-theorists, fringe radicals, and outright racists. Being superior to them is hard to avoid.

Golden Ellipses: The WATB for Manufactured Outrage or Persecution Complex

And the winner is...Bowing!

The Nominees for the WATB for Manufactured Outrage or Persecution Complex are:

• Right-Wing Extremists (Post) - President Bush orders and examination of Right Wing Extremism, to go with their similar examination of Left Wing Extremism. Mallard freaks out about President Obama.
• Liberal Weenies (Post) - Comedians come under attack for not doing the proper amount of material about President Obama, according to Mallard's scorecard.
• Wise Latina (Post) - A fairly evident statement about how background affects thinking, similar to what Justice Scalia previously said, leads to a month-long freak-out by Mallard.
• Czars (Post) - Mallard rages against Czars under President Obama after saying nothing about the 36 Czars appointed by President Bush.
• Bowing (Post) - President Obama didn't punch a couple of World Leaders in the face, choosing instead to follow local customs when greeting them. Days later, America collapsed.

Those damned Fools

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Reid, Speaker Pelosi, Teabaggers.

How dare anyone impugn the Teabaggers intelligence!

This fellow, a fool? More like a genius-level Teabbagger.

Dipers? touché, sir.

And this Linguistic Scholar puts us all to shame.

But King Teabbagger sums it all up. Shut up, Morans.

Those damned Ants

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Reid, Speaker Pelosi, Teabaggers.

Someone alert the authorities.

The Capitol Dome, or some sort of addled-brained facsimile, has floated away.

Golden Ellipses: The Beck Award (Strangest Assertion)

And the winner, in a landslide, is...Delusions!

The Nominees for The Beck Award (for the strangest assertion) are:

• Hicks (Post) - Fox News would have supported the Liberal Agitators who overthrew Monarchic Rule?
• No Pork (Post) - John McCain campaigned on a no pork platform...and lost.
• We Republicans (Post) - Republicans crossing Rush Limbaugh...without the instant retraction?
• Pirate Rights (Post) - Someone was sticking up for Pirates?
• Delusions (Post) - President Obama is aware of Mallard Fillmore?

Those damned Jobs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education.

Someone who just illustrated to the entire world that they don't understand even the most basic mathematical concepts is not to be taken seriously about Education Standards.

Whatever school that moron attended had absolutely no standards for graduation, and apparently they still found a job.

On the other hand, Doctor Education-Professional is rocking that salmon cap and gown.

That damned composure

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sex Education, The Media

Opposition by a few industry-funded scientists is enough to outweigh overwhelming scientific evidence of man-made climate change.

The self-evidence of abstinence-based sex education's effectiveness is so overwhelming that no citation is needed to back up the claim of its success.

Those damned Democratz

What's Mallard raving about today?

Democrats.

Seriously? Do I need to reference the RNC's disastrous website revamp? Do we want to talk about Republican identification among young voters?

It's pretty amazing, given how much criticism Democrats actually deserve, that Mallard still opts for the bizarre, the trivial, or the mostly false.

Golden Ellipses: Excellence in False Equivalency

And the winner is...Impeachment!

The nominees for Excellence in False Equivalency are:

• Anger Management (Post) - The anger directed at President Bush (for an illegal war, violations of the Constitution, and War Crimes) is exactly the same as anger directed at President Obama (for being a Socialist, not being born in America, and wanting to kill your Grandmother).
• Enemies Lists (Post) - When President Obama's White House pointed out Fox's bias, it was exactly the same as what President Nixon did. In fact, why he hasn't resigned yet is a nefarious mystery.
• Radicals (Post) - Those angry Muslims blowing things up and killing people are nothing like the angry Christians blowing things up and killing people.
• Impeachment (Post) - Yeah, boy, we impeached President Bush at the drop of a hat, didn't we? Plus, making an insensitive joke is exactly like violating the Constitution and committing War Crimes.
• The Blame Game (Post) - After all, President Clinton was responsible for 9-11 and pretty much everything bad that happened during the Bush Administration. So blame him.

Those damned subtitles

What's Mallard raving about today?

Progressives, Congress.

So the actual report is dead silence? Or just the standard dog whistle politics of the Right Wing?

In any event, presumably all of the Republicans who took us from a $200M surplus when they came into power to a $12 trillion deficit on the day President Obama entered office will be first in line.

That damned Retirement

What's Mallard raving about today?

Congressional Retirements

14 Democrats have retired so far. 19 Republicans have retired.

None of which is to suggest that Democrats may not be headed toward an ass-kicking in 2010. Or to suggest they may not deserve it for achieving so little with their 2006/2008 victories.

But is it too much to ask that Mallard acknowledges reality...oh, wait.

Never mind.

Those damned tapes

What's Mallard raving about today?

ACORN, Bill Ayers, Reverend Wright.

Let's see:

• Bill Ayers...President Obama denies close involvement with Bill Ayers and no video exists to contradict that fact.
• Reverend Wright...far from denying he knew him, then Senator Obama gave a speech about race in America which he confronted the controversy head-on.
• ACORN...President Obama has not denied involvement with ACORN, and now there's a video saying that he is friendly toward the organization.

Three assertions, three lies.

Next?

Least Accurate Prediction

And the winner is...Predictions!

The nominees for Least Accurate Prediction are:

• More Like Democrats (Post) - Mallard's assertion about the Republican Party proved slightly wide of the mark, after extremists took over.
• Right Wing Extremists (Post) - Less than a month later, a Right-Wing Extremist gunned down a man in a church lobby.
• Lousy TV (Post) - Later that summer, Cable News was wall-to-wall showing astroturf mobs screaming about Death Panels at Town Hall meetings.
• Predictions (Post) - Mallard reviews all of his predictions which have come true, as long as you ignore the fact that the Government is not running companies, that 95% of us got tax breaks, and that the Enemies List is entirely manufactured.

That damned Advice

What's Mallard raving about today?

A.C.O.R.N., President Obama, John Edwards.

I think Mallard is confusing A.C.O.R.N. with William Ayers.

I know that A.C.O.R.N. is the bête noire of the Right Wing, what with their efforts to help poor people and all, but I don't recall President Obama denying ties to them.

More to the point...nice timing for this shocking revelation, given this week they were absolved of all wrongdoing while recently-arrested James O'Keefe, Andrew Breitbart, and the pimp video have been revealed to be massive frauds.

Those damned Carp

What's Mallard raving about today?

Congress, The Media, Carp.

Much like Mallard's "Enemies List" this notion of Media concern with backlash against Terrorists is simply a figment of Mallard's hate-addled/Beck-fueled imagination.

If anything, the Media are responsible for exaggeration and over-simplification which lead to needless fear.

On the plus side, Carp=Terrorists may just appear in next year's Golden Ellipses.

That damned adjective

What's Mallard raving about today?

Avatar, Musicals.

You know, there are a lot of adjectives, positive and negative, that I think could justifiably be applied to Avatar.

Silly is not among them.

Although it does give insight into the shallowness of Mallard's appreciation of virtually everything.

Golden Ellipses: Ray Bolger Award for Invention in Straw Men

And the winner is...Racism!

The Nominees for the Ray Bolger Award for Invention in Straw Men are:

• Racism (Post) - The fact that no serious mainstream person ever made this case did not prevent Mallard from making it one of his central Straw Liberal arguments of 2010. Not to mention that opposition to President Obama (as opposed to his policies) has a demonstrably strong racial element within the Tea Party.
• Independence Day (Post) - I gotta say, I am with Mallard on this one. "Certain people" who say that thing Mallard says they are going to say are JERKS!
• Double Straw Man (Post) - A two-fer! President Obama employs a Straw Man argument, so Mallard can make his own Straw Man argument about President Obama. Game. Set. Match.
• Estrada (Post) - Allow me to inaccurately characterize the opposition to Miguel Estrada for you. Then I will make two additional Straw Man arguments in rapid succession.
• Chavez-Loving (Post) - Because President Obama did not punch Hugo Chavez in the face, I will make two different Straw Men in a single day.

That damned Remake

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Oscars, Movies.

Mallard hated Avatar on political grounds. I'm shocked. Shocked.

That damned News

What's Mallard raving about today?

Unemployment, Congress.

The even better news...asshat Republican Senator Jim Bunning is no longer screwing the unemployed over.

Golden Ellipses: Limbaugh Award for Best Regurgitation of Talking Points

And the winner is...Enemies List!

The nominees for the Limbaugh Award for Best Regurgitation of Talking Points are...

• World Tour (Post) - President Obama's fence-mending tour is greeted by howls of nit-picking outrage, most of it not rooted in objective reality, from the entire Right Wing Noise Machine.
• Nationalization (Post) - Efforts to stabilize the economy, which meant getting ownership in exchange for investing money into companies that were on the brink of failure, were quickly labeled "Nationalization" when Republicans realized Bush was no longer President.
• Enemies List (Post) - Mallard outstripped anyone in propagating the "Enemies List" nonsense, when the Obama Administration had the temerity to point out that Fox's coverage was biased.
• Hillary Clinton (Post) - Campaigning together and nominating Hillary Clinton Secretary of State was not enough to silence the Right's concern trolling over their relationship.
• People Who Don't Pay Taxes (Post) - Mallard and the Right Wing conflate not paying additional income tax in April with not paying taxes at all. And the world grew dumber every time they opened their mouths.

That damned Wait

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, The Media.

Never let it be said Mallard Fillmore won't tackle the most pressing issues of the day!

Sure, for years he was silent on the War in Iraq, violations of the Constitution, War Crimes, and a $4 trillion increase in the national debt under President Bush.

But now that President Obama mispronounced corpsman...Mallard is all over it!

That damned Stupidity

What's Mallard raving about today?

Polling, President Obama.

Apparently, Mallard is exactly as stupid as I thought.

Golden Ellipses: Achievement in Oversimplification or Willful Ignorance

And the winner is...Worst Ever!

The nominees for Achievement in Oversimplification or Willful Ignorance are:

• Great Country (Post) - Discussing race, even in a ham-handed manner, does not constitute racism and does not compare to the racism on display in the Republican Party.
• Jobs (Post) - This article doesn't really support my conclusion, but I stopped reading after I saw something that I could twist to support my biases.
• Institutional Racism (Post) - I'm sorry? The lack of "Liberal outrage" over what proves what now?
• Cool Summer (Post) - When Republicans and their idiot water carriers stop saying that cold weather means Climate Change science is a hoax, we can discuss this idiot Straw Man.
• Worst Ever (Post) - Please ignore the fact that polls don't say anything of the kind, as reality has a well-known Liberal bias.

That damned Math

What's Mallard raving about today?

Polls, People.

This may well be the single most amazing Mallard Fillmore ever.

As the question was asked/answered, 35% said they voted for Obama, 30% for McCain, 24% didn't vote, 5% wouldn't say, 5% voted for someone else, and 2% didn't know.

If we assume that half of the "won't say" people voted for Obama, that puts his total at roughly 50% of the people who voted, which is not a significant deviation.

I think Mallard has a basis for all his griping about the Education system, if this is the level of mathematical capability he emerged from school with.