Those damned parties

What's Mallard raving about today?

Kentucky, New Year's Eve.

I'm sure Mallard is as shocked as every one of us that he's received an invitation to a party. But that does not excuse telling someone you are (or will be) sitting at home in your pajamas. That is just creepy by any measure.

Those damned predictions

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, someone else, mean old boy bullies.

It's interesting to note that bullies wear propeller-beanies in Mallard's fevered persecution-complex of an imagination (the same imagination in which Senator Clinton has made a complaint remotely related to the one Mallard continues to accuse her of).

Propeller-beanies are, of course, standard semiotics for "nerd," the target of the bully, rather than the bully.

That tells you pretty much everything you need to know about Mallard and how seriously one should take anything he says.

That damned family

What's Mallard raving about today?

Two parents, Marriage, TV, News.

The Yates may feel as smug as they want to feel; unappealing thought smugness may be.

Why Mallard feels the right to be smug about them is a mystery.

Why Mallard feels that ordinary people's marriages are in the news all the time, however, is a much bigger mystery.

Those damned razors

What's Mallard raving abut today?

Electric razors.

Mallard, if you are getting electric razors as a gift, trust me, it's not the store's fault. It's that people hate you.

(Is it just me, or has Mallard been extra incoherent recently?)

That damned comedy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Diversity, Comedy.

Mallard is really grasping at straws in an attempt to rave against diversity...

To be honest, I wouldn't be at all worried, since losing a stand-up comedy genre seems like a small price to pay for tolerance and, you know, loving one's neighbor.

But the fact that the word "DOOM" is bolded and capitalized, makes me realize this is a VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM.

That damed Oprah

What's Mallard raving about today?

Oprah Winfrey.

Say what you want, that bloc of voters is, at minimum, bigger than the "I'm-voting-for-Huckabee-because-I'm-scared-Chuck-Norris-will-kick-my-ass" vote.

It may even represent a plurality.

That damned controversy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas.

Again, Mallard cannot express his Christian sentiments without criticizing someone else.

Again, that criticism is leveled at a straw man which exists primarily, if not exclusively, in his own mind.

I'd wish you a Merry Christmas, Mallard, but with every action you demonstrate you have no idea what Christ represents, so it would be a waste of breath.

That damned Funkhauser

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mr. Funkhauser.

Under normal circumstances, a comic like today's would prompt me to point out how ironic it is that Mallard was criticizing someone for being a literal curmudgeon with too much time on his hands. Considering that Mallard is the ultimate figurative curmudgeon with too much time on his hands, standing on his figurative porch and screaming "Hey, everyone who doesn't think exactly like me, get off of my property!"

But today, I am simply overtaken by the troubling suspicion that Mr. Funkhauser is actually Mallard's neighbor.

That damned partisanship

What's Mallard raving about today?

Partisanship, Christmas.

I know of no one who believes their "message" is "important" and yet will openly admit they are a partisan hack.

Mallard, blithely, becomes the first member of that club.

Those damned wrist bands

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cause Bracelets, Charity.

Let me see if I understand this correctly...

Mallard is complaining about a fund raising vehicle for charities because it has become popular and therefore (by definition) is successfully raising funds for charity.

Yep, that seems about par for the course with Mallard.

That damned TP

What's Mallard raving about today?

Toilet paper.

Frankly, I'm speechless.

Although it does prompt me to point out that Mallard hasn't had any occasion to either say or avoid saying "Christmas" this week, making his Monday installment all the more puzzling.

That damned tax

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes.

You don't care how?

In that case, may I suggest it's done with Duck L'Orange served at the signing ceremony?

Those damned burgers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Immigrants.

What an amazingly tortured comparison.

To begin with, the baseline comparison is of the apples-to-kumquats variety because illegal immigrants are not being granted citizenship by "jumping" over the border.

And then the metaphor is destroyed by the intrusion of the literal image of someone getting fast food by jumping over some sort of border. Either that or legal immigrants have to buy burgers in order to be granted citizenship.

Either way, I don't trust that shifty-eyed car.

That damned Teddy Bear

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teddy Bears, Sudan, Islam.

Man, that is one scary-looking teddy bear.

Apparently Mallard's Great-Gift Idea #22 (which is not only unnecessarily hyphenated, but is also suddenly moving backward from gift #35 last week) is to give Sudanese children recurrent nightmares about evil teddy bears.

That damned vulgarity

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas, Progressives, Euphoria.

So...how does this explain why cave woman didn't use the word Christmas yesterday?

More to the point, however, every time Mallard makes some sort of profession of his Christianity it throws me for a loop. After all, his value system revolves around vilification of pretty much everyone, especially those who don't believe the exact same things and behave the exact same way he does.

Which is pretty much the exact opposite of what Christianity stands for. At least the Christianity personified by, say, Jesus Christ.

Those damned genders

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gender.

Why are cavemen celebrating Christmas before the birth of Jesus Christ?

And why is Mallard contributing to the War on Christmas by referring to it only as "Holiday" hunting and gathering?

That damned...

What's Mallard raving about today?

I'm hoping to find out.

Since starting this blog over a year ago, the most satisfying aspect for me has been the insightful and funny comments. Today I'm hoping one of them will explain what the hell this is about.

That damned lean to the left

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media.

Poor, poor Republicans. If only The Media included some people who represent their viewpoint. Or even a whole channel devoted to fictionalizing the news strictly along their ideological lines.

Honestly, how can anyone say something like this with a straight face nowadays? It takes someone with a severe irony deficit to regurgitate this meme after a steady diet of Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Hannity, Savage, etc.

Oh, and...

Worst. Scansion. Ever.

That damned pay

What's Mallard raving about today?

China, Christians.

Well, that and the fact that their shipping boxes appear to leak oil.

That damned life

What's Mallard raving about today?

TV.

Wow.

Mallard is castigating people for watching too much TV.

Just...wow.

Those damned puppies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Puppies.

Am I nuts, or is Mallard indicating his "idea" with a compact fluorescent light bulb?

And, credit where it's due...for once that's a fairly cute puppy drawing.

Those damned doctors

What's Mallard raving about today?

TV, Medicine, Celebrities.

Is Mallard advocating for some sort of socialized medicine by noting the fact that average Americans require a game show to even gain access to required medical care?

Those damned questions

What's Mallard raving about today?

Technology.

Those people you are talking about Mallard? They are the ones not so stupid as to misunderstand the difference between a philosophical question and a question.

Those damned soybeans

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Soybeans, Death, Taxes.

It's interesting that in Mallard's world, newscasters periodically announce to their viewers that death and taxes are inevitable, among other things.

I don't pretend to know what to make of that fact, but somehow coming on the air just to scare viewers about death and taxes periodically seems about right for Mallard.

That damned woman

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton.

I said it before, apparently it bears repeating: You gotta hate folks who come to the political spotlight without hard work. Folks who come to prominence by marriage, or, say, birth.

That damned Santa

What's Mallard raving about today?

Santa, China.

Santa's elves are Chinese?

That damned Criminal Community

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gun control, criminals.

On days like today, I feel compelled to note that the only difference between Mallard and a cranky letter to the editor is two poorly drawn duck heads of varying size.

That damned Obama

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Clinton, Barack Obama.

It takes a special kind of myopia to feel you have to reach back to President Clinton for an example of someone who won't admit to mistakes, lies, and doesn't take responsibility for their actions.

The only excuse I can think of for leaving out the current occupant of the Oval Office is that "incompetent" is not in the list.

That damned plant

What's Mallard raving about today?

Planted questions.

For seven years the President (and Vice President) have been unwilling to appear in front of anything other than audiences pre-screened for Republican Party loyalty, sending the clear message that they are only concerned for the people who voted for them.

But this is, apparently, the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Those damned dust angels

What's Mallard raving about today?

Housekeeping.

Appearing on editorial pages all over American today: commentary on Mallard's tidiness with pederast overtones.

Those damned Heroes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Heroes, Katie Couric, CBS News.

I've said it before, I'll say it again...Mallard watches too much TV.

And then he assumes we all have the exact same thoughts which run through his fevered imagination.

Which leads to stuff today's panel which makes no damn sense at all to me.

That damned actual size

What's Mallard raving about today?

24, Hillary Clinton.

"Not Shown Actual Size"

You mean Mr. Surnow does not actually measure 165 pixels from chest to head? Thanks for the clarification.

Can I also assume, therefore, that he actually exists in 3 dimensions, not 2?

Should I also assume his neck and head are not actually so obviously penis-shaped...oh, wait a minute, I think I understand what Mallard was actually trying to say.

That damned L'Engle

What's Mallard raving about today?

Harry Potter, Madeleine L'Engle.

Everything you need to know about Mallard is encapsulated in the fact that he cannot praise A Wrinkle In Time without criticizing something else. In this case a series of books which made reading popular again...and kids.

Don't even get me started about the egomania on exhibit.

That damned triangulation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Gender.

If I were a man. they'd just call it triangulation?

Unless Mallard is using the old "Men are better at Mathematics" stereotype, I have no idea what the hell he's talking about.

Not to mention the fact that this position of Hillary's is made up out of whole cloth.

Those damned girls

What's Mallard raving about today?

Girls.

I know what you mean Mallard.

After 43 straight female Presidents, it's shameless to treat a woman running for President as something special.

What we need is a stage full of rich white guys for a change of pace.

That damned Hillary

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Clinton.

It's a measure of just how painful the past week has been that I'm actually kind of grateful to see Mallard getting back to what he does best: putting a bunch of incoherent ramblings next to a dreadful caricature of a Democratic personality.

That damned commercial

What's Mallard raving about today?

Indianapolis Colts, Peyton Manning, Commercials.

If you'd spend 10 seconds away from the TV each day, Mallard, you might not be so put out by Peyton Manning making money off his fame.

Or is that the problem? Are you simply jealous because no one wants you as their spokesman?

Take heart. I'm sure the phone will ring soon.

Advertising agencies are always looking for the next cranky right-wing spokesfowl. Especially those who spend all of their free time in front of the TV, clad in pajamas, eating generic purple snacks, and sitting in a gray blob.

That damned Ethanol

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bill Buckley, Liberals, Ethanol.

You choose to honor the man by comparing him to Ethanol? I'd consider that damning with faint praise if not outright insulting the man.

How creepy is it that fanboi Mallard knows Mr. Buckley's birthday?

That damned College Football

What's Mallard raving about today?

The WGA, College Football.

Today's panel has me feeling amazed in two distinct ways.

First, despite knowing how much Mallard detests both Unions and Hollywood, I am still amazed at how much attention he's paying to the WGA strike.

Second, I'm amazed to hear him say "yet another great thing about College Football" given the fact that we've never heard Mallard say a single good thing about it. His only previous references to College Football have been complaints, usually about the BCS or Boise State.

That damned Thanksgiving

What's Mallard raving about today?

The WGA, Thanksgiving, Families.

People in glass houses should not throw stones.

That damned Sarkozy

What's Mallard raving about today?

France, Hell, Nicolas Sarkozy.

Doesn't the fact that France is suddenly on America's side mean that America is now an ally of The Terrorists?

How stupid are Mallard's actual readers that he feels the need to put the word "Hell" on the newspaper, as if someone might not get the "joke" otherwise.

That damned solidarity

What's Mallard raving about today?

The WGA.

Much like when openly admitting that he is (in the words of BillyWitchDoctor) "in freefalling mental decline and decades out of touch", Mallard is also oddly not ashamed to admit his comic strip is devoid of writers.

No shit.

That damned Stephen Colbert

What's Mallard raving about today?

Steven Colbert, The WGA.

I'm pretty sure the fact that The Colbert Report is in reruns just means Stephen Colbert, who is probably a member of the WGA (having been a writer on The Daily Show), is unwilling to cross the picket line.

You see, unlike some comic strips which will remain nameless, The Colbert Report uses multiple writers to maintain some sort of standards. For example, they generally won't discuss Thanksgiving leftovers, and if they do they will be funny about it.

Those damned Cave Pilgrims

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cavemen, Pterodactyls.

Complaining about leftovers? Seriously? Complaining about leftovers? You couldn't work Hillary into it somehow? What about liberal guilt over the treatment of Indians?

"Thanksgiving...the early days" involves Pilgrims and Indians, for Christ's sake.

Also, man and Pterodactyl (more correctly Pterosaur) are generally known to not have co-existed, since the Pterosaur is extinct by the end of the Cretaceous period, with no allowance made for the claims of those who believe the fossil record is there to test faith.

This is what happens when you take a perfectly-good straw liberal construct and try to use it for something general.

Those damned debates

What's Mallard raving about today?

Debates, Experts, TV Viewers.

Experts say that they can now predict with certainty that...the next presidential debate....will have more TV Viewers....than it has people onstage debatersing.

You're welcome.

That damned Hard Place

What's Mallard raving about today?

Confiscatory Taxes, Profligate Pending.

For Christ's sake, Mallard, do you not understand the English language?

When one is caught between a rock and a hard place, one is in a position where you have to choose between unpleasant alternatives.

This metaphor, in no way, describes the relationship between taxes and government spending. If anything, that is a cause-and-effect relationship.

Also, how stupid are your actual readers that you feel the need to put a "you are here" sign in?

Those damned stores

What's Mallard raving about today?

Electronics Stores.

I'm confused...where's the "Made in China" sign?

That damned Old Guard

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, a brave band of Republican reformers.

I confess I was unaware there was a House Rule that enabled a small group of Congressmen to pass a bill when everyone else is laughing. Not to fear, however. The drunken sailor currently occupying the Oval Office would never allow anything that might curb his ability to spend the next 20 generations into poverty.

That damned AMT

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hobos, AMT.

Yeah, avoiding AMT is the toughest part about selling cans in order to stay alive.

But since you bring it up, if we assume this genetleman is married to a lovely hoboette and is selling cans for $0.05, he should be fine this year if he sells less than 4,000,000 cans. So if he can somehow avoid selling about 11,000 cans each day this year, he might avoid those nasty taxes.

Those damned scandals

What's Mallard raving about today?

NFL, NBA, Scandals.

Man 1: NFL!

Man 2: NBA!

Tiny Voice From Off-Panel: GOP!

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner in the scandal department!

Those damned silhouettes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Veterans.

I don't know why, but I'm a bit creeped out by the silhouette form of Mallard creator Bruce Tinsley. Of course, I am also creeped out whenever The Family Circus breaks down that fourth wall and admits to letting Billy (or Jeffy) pen today's panel. So maybe I'm just weird.

Anyway, I'm just glad we're off the dog topic.

That damned Terrier-Poodle Mix

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs.

While Mallard is protecting pound puppies, whose gonna step in and protect this dead horse he won't stop beating?

That damned Chet

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sterilization of people with whom he disagrees, Dogs.

If Mallard cares as much about people as he does about dogs, we should be in for a series of panels regarding the President's heartless veto of S-CHIP. Anyone taking bets on whether that happens or not?

The truly remarkable thing about this week is that Mallard manages to espouse a worthwhile issue and, through sanctimony and vitriol, still come off as an intolerant asshat.

That damned dog smell

What's Mallard raving about today?

Designer dogs.

"Why would anyone buy an expensive 'designer dog' when you could get one....from a shelter and save its life?"

Because this is America, Mallard. And here in America, people are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness no matter what a sanctimonious waterfowl thinks of their choices.

Why do you hate America so much?

That damned Labrabeagaschnoodle

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs.

In today's cleverly disguised diatribe against miscegenation, Mallard manages to prove that not only is he a bigot, but that he can't count.

By my calculation, a Labrabeagaschnoodle would be a mixture of a Labrador, Beagle, Schnauzer, and Poodle...4 breeds. Even if we were to be generous and assume there was a Golden Lab, Black Lab, Schnauzer, Miniature Schnauzer, Poodle, and a Toy Poodle involved in this orgy, that still only brings us to 7 breeds.

That damned Puggle

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs, I think.

Looks like Mallard's Dissociative Break period is going to continue for a while. I have no actual idea what the hell he's going on about today.

That damned Peyton Manning

What's Mallard raving about today?

Peyton Manning, email.

Mallard, if your audience is too stupid to have successfully managed the email switch, that should tell you something...

Oh my God! What the hell happened to Peyton Manning's neck?

That damned Hitler

What's Mallard raving about today?

Elvis, Cow graduates, Al Gore, Two-headed babies, Hitler, Stalin, Columbia University.

The attempt by NeoConservatives over the last 6 years to paint anyone they do not like as Hitler-esque (and, by extension, paint anyone who does not agree with them as Chamberlain-esque) has begun to reach comical proportions in real life; it's appearance in comics form by water-carrier Mallard should hardly be a surprise.

This mode of argument is offensive insofar as it trivializes Hitler. But it demonstrates the inability to win one's argument based on facts rather than resorting to fear mongering. If one had the intellectual capacity to actually explain why Iran is a serious threat to world stability, one would not resort to absurd comparisons whose only purpose is to create a fear which stifles rational thought.

It's par for the course for Mallard, who is just a bigoted, intellectually lazy, cartoon duck. But the use of this rhetorical abomination by the current President and Vice President on an almost weekly basis demeans the office of which they are only the current stewards.

All of which rightfully overshadows the absolute idiocy of the panel itself. For example, that mortal enemies Stalin and Hitler are gay lovers. Or the fact that Mallard's inability to construct coherent English had me wondering why he was suggesting that Cow Graduates from Harvard, Al Gore, and a Two-Headed Baby were not still alive. Or what the hell all these supermarket tabloid stories have to do with anything at all.

Those damned Sasquatch

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sasquatch, Beef Jerky.

I have absolutely no idea what the hell Mallard is talking about. But I would say this tends to prove my point that, for a guy who constantly moans about the Entertainment Elite, Mallard watches way too much TV.

That damned pill

What's Mallard raving about today?

I have no freaking idea.

Isn't the whole over-medicating-kids-with-Ritalin thing from, like, the late-90's? Where's my asterisk so I know why this rant now?

That damned Al Gore

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mars, Al Gore, Global Warming, Yasser Arafat.

As if this kitchen sink screed were not enough to stand on its own, I really appreciate the fact that Mallard misspelled Yasser Arafat for our amusement.

That damned Constitution

What's Mallard raving about today?

U.S. Students, U.S. Constitution.

This year my costume is something really scary...the Bush Administration's trampling of the U.S. Constitution.

Those damned Official Blacks

What's Mallard raving about today?

Official Black People, Liberals, Justice Clarence Thomas.

Yesterday's Straw Liberal was apparently too realistic, so Mallard had to take this self-revealing idiocy even further.

That damned Clarence Thomas

What's Mallard raving about today?

Clarence Thomas, Liberals.

This is one of my favorite Mallard themes, that there is something hypocritical about Liberal opposition to certain Black people, such as our unqualified Supreme Court Justice, Clarence Thomas.

The implicit baseline assumption, of course, is that Straw Liberal is unable to form an opinion based on a set of criteria more complicated than a skin color equation which boils down to Black = good. A claim which is, of course, completely undermined by the mere admission that Liberals oppose Justice Thomas.

By contrast, this theme tells us oceans about how Mallard's forms his own opinions.

That damned repetition

What's Mallard raving about today?

China.

Shorter Mallard Fillmore: Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah. Blah, blah. Made in China.

Those damned presents

What's Mallard raving about today?

Vietnamese, Gentiles, Bar Mitzvahs.

Mallard's Dissociative Break Week continues.

I have absolutely no idea what to say, except: Has anyone referred to themselves as a "gentile" since, like, 100AD?

Those damned lyrics

What's Mallard raving about today?

Lyrics, cultural barometers.

Mallard does not seem to understand the difference between being interrupted by a question and censoring yourself. And that's the aspect of today's panel that makes the most sense.

That damned bumper sticker

What's Mallard raving about today?

China, Volvos.

This is vintage Mallard.

First you have the amazing self-absorption inherent in assuming everyone knows what bumper sticker he is referring to, you know, the one that pisses him off so much.

Next you have the carefully-chosen detail that the sticker is to be found on Volvos, which I assume is code for something, but I am not privy to his fevered imagination, so I don't know what. But let's assume that in Mallard's world, Volvo's entire customer base is Liberals, the French, or Liberal French people.

Then we have a murky juxtaposition between that sticker and the Chinese Olympics. Though the parallel is impenetrable.

Finally we have the delusion of grandeur, in which Mallard appears to be making an utterly futile call for a boycott of the Olympics. Modeled no doubt after Bill O's famously effective French boycott.

Those damned human rights

What's Mallard raving about today?

China, human rights.

A duck who wants to lock up anyone who looks like a terrorist is lecturing China on human rights.

That damned appendix

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Appendix, the United Nations.

Mallard is sometimes so illiterately stupid, he's brilliant.

The United Nations is like a part of your body that was once considered useless, but is now believed to produce and protect good germs for your gut.

In other words, some people believe The United Nations to be useless but it is, in fact, very useful.

Congratulations, Mallard, for managing to make the exact opposite point you were trying to make.

That damned Hillary Costume

What's Mallard raving about this week?

Hillary Clinton.

Oh, man, it's going to be a long stretch between now and Hallowe'en, with Mallard baselessly asserting that people are "scary" just because he says they are. And yet, President Bush and Vice President Cheney, whose popularity actually qualifies them as scary, will never appear.

Also, caricatures. Lots and lots of bad caricatures.

At least in today's panel Mallard mistakenly manages to indict The Media for their tiny-minded participation in right-wing ad hominem attacks on Hillary's laugh.

Those damned studies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education.

We're back to this again?

Since Mallard's already covered this ground, and since it is a topic that barely needed to be mentioned once, let alone twice...I am going to satisfy myself by just pointing out that Mallard does not understand the use of quotation marks, placing them around both "funding" and "study."

That damned market

What's Mallard raving abut today?

The Media, the Market.

I didn't know my TV is more likely to report market plunges than market records. But, a cartoon duck assured me it is true, and cartoons are never wrong.

That damned goalie

What's Mallard raving about today?

The US Soccer Team's goalie, Racism, the Media.

Never in a million years would I have guessed that the stresser for Mallard recent dissociative break was the U.S. Women's Soccer Team's Goalie.

I have no idea what the hell he's referring to, and I sure as hell am not going to look it up, but if anyone cares to elaborate in the comments, have at it.

I sometimes mock Mallard's claim that he speaks for the "common man." But I will admit he's common in at least a couple ways: he's places too much of his own emotional well-being at the mercy of the vicissitudes of sports and he will apparently watch whatever the hell comes on TV.

That damned Page B-34

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media

Mallard, people in glass journalistic houses should not throw stones.

Merely stating that something is fact does not make it fact. Even citing a single instance which seems to support your claim, cannot suddenly make it an irrefutable truth.

For example:

I seem to recall seeing something on the front page of the New York Times recently about how Iran is a Big Threat and must be dealt with before Something Bad happens. Given that the source of this information is an Administration which made similar claims about Iraq which turned out to be false, most "liberals" are highly skeptical of this claim and the main supporters of war with Iran are "conservatives".

Ergo: The New York Times is a conservative paper.

See how easy it is to play that game?

That damned Left Lean

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media.

The idea of the media "leaning left" is actually undermined by the fact that the newscaster is leaning stage left, right to the user. None of which even takes into account the fact that I don't believe one's political tendencies causes people to, literally, tilt to one side or the other.

Oh, and I object to the term "News" being applied to Fox.

That damned Media Matters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bill O'Reilly, Media Matters for America.

There's so many delicious things to choose from here, but I am traveling and have limited time so, I will leave most of it to commenters, who will do a better job of going after this one than I can. I know we've all been waiting for Mallard to leap to the Right-Wing Water Carriers' defense, though of course, I figured it would be Rush Limbaugh first.

That said, I will demand that someone pull out the Stephen Colbert quote, which encapsulated this better than anything, and post it in the comments.

And for the record, Mallard giving Bill O'Reilly advice and comfort on what it means to have "arrived" is hilarious. Given his definition, I think it's safe to say Mallard is still "in transit."

Those damned people

What's Mallard raving about today?

Harry Potter, Reality TV, Geography.

Mallard Fillmore interrupts your day to bring you this important news flash!

People will learn something that interests them more rapidly than something that doesn't.

In other news, men are attracted to attractive women.

We now return you to your regularly schedule self-flagellation over the fact that you read Mallard Fillmore each day.

Those damned Humvees

What's Mallard raving about today?

Humvees, Celebrities.

Wow, what a mess of overlapping complaints today's panel is.

First, as far as a setup for a joke goes, finally providing adequate armor for the troops in Iraq is in seriously bad taste. (If that is indeed happening and I don't have time to check the veracity of Mallard's statement.)

Second, by hip-hoppers does he mean Rap artists or just your average urban youth? If he means Rap Artists...why don't they count as celebrities? If not, does Mallard really imaging urban youths are the main drivers of Humvees. Seems like the main drivers are the kids of rich over-indulgent parents and men for whom car size = penis size.

Third, gas-guzzlers? Is that environmentalism creeping in there? Isn't it our duty as Americans to use as much oil as possible, just to prove those damned tree huggers wrong?

Fourth, don't we have enough stuff going on here without confusing the issue with a complaint about Rap lyrics?

Finally, while this comic may appear on the editorial page, that doesn't mean you need to use as much text as an editorial.

That damned Flipping

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV.

With that much text on the page, is it too much to ask for it to make some God damned sense?

Those damned houses

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV, Holiday Inn Express.

Three things leap to mind:

1. The housing market is collapsing and there were over 200,000 foreclosures last month. And this is Mallard's real-estate tip?
2. I'm not sure Mallard understands the concept of flipping a house.
3. Mallard watches too much TV. Way too much TV.
   

That damned Media

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Senator Clinton.

Confession time. I don't really follow the news, except what I can get through The Daily Show. Ninety percent of the time, I have to do a search to find reference to whatever story Mallard is raving about. In order for me to be aware of a news story, it has to be widely reported, on the order of O.J. Simpson or Senator Larry Craig.

And yet, I know that a Democratic fundraiser was arrested on a theft charge and is suspected of campaign-finance violations.

You're going to have to trust me here, I know. But the mere fact that I can tell you that proves that Mallard is full of crap. Which, of course, is probably not new news to anyone either.

That damned Osama Bin Laden

What's Mallard raving about today?

Osama Bin Laden, Columbia University.

More than 6 years after the attack on the World Trade Center, someone remind me...why is it that the United States is sill looking for Osama Bin Laden?

You'd think a reasonably competent leader would have found him by now.

That damned Barbarian

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Columbia University.

Kaitlyn wins a prize!

I'm actually surprised that he's not pissed about right-wing speakers getting pied and Ahmadinejad not, of course, he's a leader of a country and all the security would have been tighter.

I'd like to also point out Mallard's rather conspicuous epithet ("the Barbaric Iranian President") as another example of the rhetorical games he plays.

Mr. Ahmadinejad may well be barbaric and he may not be. American Media and Government insure that we only know of him what they would like us to know. Either way, Mallard's casual use of the epithet, as if it were a known and incontrovertible fact, bespeaks an intellect as empty as his rhetoric.

That damned Ahmadinejad

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Rodents.

Is it just me, or would this caricature look like Abraham Lincoln, if Mallard put a stove-top hat on him? Except for the deformed index finger, of course.

Those damned steroid-using dogs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Michael Vick, Tim Donaghy, Steroids.

What happened, Mallard? Couldn't figure out how to weave a reference to Boise State into this curmudgeonly tapestry?

Those damned extremists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Supermodels, bears.

"...the dumpster-raiding and home-invading of a few extremist radical bears is causing us to stereotype he entire bear community. Is that what America is all about?"

In point of fact, no. It is not what America is all about.

If it were what America were all about, the entire country would be in the process of rounding up every bear it could find and moving them to Relocation Centers.

Or, for example, we'd be profiling Christians because of the actions of Eric Rudolph, Michael Griffin, Rev. Paul Hill, Clayton Waagner, James Kopp, and John Salvi.

Luckily for us, the better angels of our nature have generally kept such things from happening.

As opposed to your nature, Mallard, in which everyone who does not act in absolute lock-step with you is an enemy or a traitor.

"Urp" indeed.

Those damned Bairs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Supermodels, Causes, Bears.

Uh...it's spelled B-E-A-R.

If you aren't clever enough to come up with a phony acronym that actually works, that should tell you something.

Those damned bears

What's Mallard raving about today?

Supermodels, "causes".

Of course, what's best about this is the implicit assumption that only left-wing celebrities have "causes" because support for something like the Christian Coalition, Operation Rescue, or the NRA is, of course, not a cause.

That damned vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Supermodels, Bulimia.

Seriously, I'm on vacation. Move along.

That damned Purge

What's Mallard raving about today?

Supermodels, lips.

Wow.

Does anyone mind if I take the week off?

Those damned models

What's Mallard raving about today?

Supermodels.

Do you think Mallard survive the inevitable firestorm of outrage generated by speaking truth to supermodel power?

Oh, and puns on bulimia are just hilarious.

That damned musical

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education, the NEA.

Today, Mallard illustrates the end result of merging your obsessions (the NEA, Education) with a Pop Culture reference to which you are not actually familiar, except to name it.

Apropos of yesterday's panel, most people could have predicted how awful the end result would be without writing, drawing, and publishing it. Mallard, however, had to do the research, personally.

Those damned Men

What's Mallard raving about today?

Men, Indiana University.

This is the kind of joke that would be pathetic if the topic of the study were to just come up randomly and this were your off-the-cuff bon mot.

But if you have to bring up the study yourself...

That damned Liberal Inquisition

What's Mallard raving about today?

History, Global Warming.

On the one hand, I'm glad we're finally off the Nantucket Sound series.

On the other hand, what the hell kind of ADD-induced dementia brought this sudden shift of topic on? And how is it a historical re-enactment if he's being burned for a completely modern idea? Shouldn't this have been part of his "Liberals: The Early Days" series of works?

That said, points scored for the sudden dramatic reveal of Liberal Straw Inquisitor's ponytail.

Points off to the hapless boob who couldn't be bothered to dress appropriately for this historical re-enactment. He should be burned for that plaid shirt alone.

That damned Yacht

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ted Kennedy, Solar Farms, being "Green", Yachting.

Guess what I heard? Apparently Ted Kennedy worked to prevent a wind farm from being erected in Nantucket Sound.

For what it's worth, I object to the fact that we've now seen Ted Kennedy's underwear but we never got to see Larry Craig's underwear.

That damned rodent

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ted Kennedy, Solar Power.

Just see yesterday's post. Since Mallard has basically repeated himself, I'll just do likewise.

That damned Wind

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ted Kennedy, Wind Power, Liberals.

Ha! It's funny because Liberals can't hold nuanced positions on any issue! It's always all-or-nothing with those Liberals!

A word of advice for Mallard, however. You really should not do topics that The Daily Show has already done, because you don't come off well by comparison. (Sadly, I couldn't find a video of the Cape Wind segment to link to.)

That damned message

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton.

Did Senator Clinton make such a remark and then retract it? If so, I have just one question...why would she retract it? At this point, I suspect only the Kool-Aid drinkers and dead-enders don't see Republicans as the Party of terrorist fear-mongering.

That said, that's the most flattering caricature of Senator Clinton Mallard has ever done.

That damned Chloe

What's Mallard raving about today?

Parenting, Videos, Reading.

Who the hell is Chloe? And does Mallard realize that reading to her in her infancy will only make her uppity for book-learning?

Is it just me or is Mallard spending an inordinate amount of time just complaining about humanity in general these days?

That damned Stream-of-Consciousness

What's Mallard raving about today?

Baggy pants.

8 days ago, Mallard began discussing this topic and followed that thread for 2 days.

That train of thought was interrupted by the sudden need to criticize television, which lasted for one day.

Then he spent 2 days defending Larry Craig, which at least would have counted as breaking news, though of course with the delay in publishing it's old news.

Then, he followed the urge to criticize Hilary Clinton and the wives of other candidates for reasons passing understanding, an urge which lasted 2 whole days.

After which he needed to publish a panel which would coincide with the end of summer, because the joke was just too hilarious to pass up.

Then, and only then, did he manage to return to the topic of baggy pants.

It's like reading Ulysses, for Christ's sake, if Ulysses had been written by a bitter, incoherent, and manic Duck, of course.

That damned summer

What's Mallard raving about today?

School.

What? We're back to this again all of a sudden?

That damned Auxiliary

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton.

It took me forever to figure out today's panel. But then, I suddenly realized that, in Mallard's world, he believes Hillary has some sort of machine and that her statement about the right-wing conspiracy is not meant to be ironic. Meaning that Mallard either believes Hillary did, in some way, defeat the right-wing noise machine or that it never existed.

At that point, the panel starts to take some sort of shape.

None of which explains how Hillary reads the newspaper through closed eyes or how she reads page 1 when she's clearly turned to page 4.

Those damned wives

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Candidates Wives.

I don't understand. Why is it Jay Leno's job to humiliate Hillary Clinton?

Those damned donkeys

What's Mallard raving about today?

Larry Craig, Bathrooms.

To recap...

David Vitter (who comes from a state in which a Democratic Governor would choose his successor if he resigned) is revealed to frequent hookers, albeit heterosexual hookers, and Republicans rally to his defense.

Larry Craig (who comes from a state in which a Republican Governor would choose his successor if he resigned) is revealed to have plead guilty to soliciting gay sex in a Minnesota airport bathroom, and Republicans toss him under the bus.

And Democrats have no shame.

Also, Mallard has convinced himself that Craig was not soliciting sex, he was just tapping his toes.

Does that about sum it up? Can I take the rest of the week off?

That damned donkey

What's Mallard raving about today?

Donkeys, Bathrooms, Larry Craig.

Hey, Mallard, it's the Republicans who threw your BFF Larry Craig under the bus.

And if you'd gone with an Elephant in this panel, you wouldn't have to stretch back to Chappaquiddick and the Clinton Administration to name 4 scandals. Hell, there's 4 Republican scandals a week these days.

That damned garbage

What's Mallard raving about today?

TV.

This is actually a perfect metaphor, only not for what Mallard thinks. TV producers wouldn't put such garbage out if it weren't for the fact that idiots like Mallard will sit there and watch it even when it is metaphorically like being covered in garbage and feces.

That said, if Mallard were to sit in front of his TV rather than some sort of garbage chute, he might not literally be covered in garbage and feces.

Those damned baggy pants

What's Mallard raving about today?

Baggy Pants.

The fact that Mallard is so affected by other people's pants that he felt compelled to devote 2 days (and counting) of nationally-syndicated page space to complaining about baggy pants should tell you all you ever needed to know to about Mallard Fillmore.

Those damned Iranians

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teenagers, Pants, Iran.

While essentially shouting "you kids get off of my lawn!" Mallard inadvertently wins the award for Strangest Juxtaposition of the Year.

Those damned candidates

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fugitives, Republican Presidential Candidates.

Unfortunately, they won't put you in Witness Protection to testify against yourself in the matter of your own law-breaking, so most Republican lawmakers are not eligible.

That damned Michael Vick

What's Mallard raving about today?

Michael Vick.

The moment of truth arrives! Will Mallard manage to tie Michael Vick together with the dog-eating Chinese?

I'm atwitter with excitement!

Those damned terrorists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Terrorist plots, The New York Times.

Sorry for the late post, for 2 straight days the Chronicle site hasn't been displaying Mallard at night.

Anyway, today Mallard is agog over the Kennedy terrorist plot (which the New York Times put on page 37, but Mallard made no mention of for over 2 months), thus proving the point he started to make yesterday.

You can divide the world into the Post 9-11 Bed Wetters (who will go down in history alongside the supporters of the Alien & Sedition Acts, Internment, and Joseph McCarthey) and those who want to adhere to core American values no matter what the threat.

That damed Day

What's Mallard raving about today?

9-11 anniversary, voting.

I will leave it to commenters to speculate just what Mallard would say constitutes "knowing the difference."

I have to focus on the stupidity of this statement: "It's still incredible to me that one day in history could make such a difference."

Given that history is replete with days that made "such a difference" (c.f., Pearl Harbor, Luther's 95 Theses) we can only surmise that Mallard knows absolutely nothing of history.

You know what Santayana said about those who cannot learn from history? What do you think he'd say about those who cannot even be bothered to try to learn it?

Meta-Post: That damned Comic Site

Mallard's not appearing right now over at the Houston Chronicle, so we'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out if Mallard's gotten off the runway.

Those damned prey animals

What's Mallard raving about today?

China, Prey Animals.

It doesn't happen often, but I'd have to say today's panel is a success, making the point with some actual whimsy and drawings that contribute rather than detract.

The crowning achievement is the two-finned "of dear!" gesture by the shark in the lower left. Nervous Nellie Shark joins Evil Sun and Moody Rat as characters I want to see more of.

All that, plus a respite from the airlines storyline.

Those damned supplies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Airlines.

What is that ladder-like thing on the left supposed to be?

That damned Co-Pilot

What's Mallard raving about today?

Airlines, Co-Pilots, Bird Calls.

Anyone care to hazard a guess whether Larry is actually the co-pilot or whether he is the pilot's ventriloquist dummy? Not that one is particularly funnier, but I find it interesting that the artwork panel is unclear on this point.

Oh, and blah, blah, airlines, blah, blah.

That damned luggage

What's Mallard raving about today?

Airlines.

Three guesses about what happened to Mallard on his summer vacation...and the first two guesses don't count.

Apropos of nothing, why do you suppose the passengers appear to be recycled drawings of newscasters, holding their little sheets of paper, while placed in front of an airline seat backdrop? Is it so hard to draw someone sitting in a seat doing nothing?

That damned G. David McClure

What's Mallard raving about today?

Airlines.

Airline jokes. The surest admission that you are bereft of any actual ideas worth writing about.

Those damned Broncos

What's Mallard raving about today?

Boise State, College Football.

When we last left Mallard's obsessive complaining about college football and Boise State, the panel featured a grotesque drawing of an anthropomorphic Bronco with its arms on backward.

Today we get a caricature of a person, who I--and probably 90% of the world--can only assume is Boise State's head coach from the context.

And we are left with the question of how Mallard, his fat ass ensconced in a beige blob which is only convincing as a pillow and a Yellow Box of Snack Food^TM (Made in China) in his lap, is privy to pre-game motivational speeches.

Those damned Chinese

What's Mallard raving about today?

China, Reincarnation.

Yes. Thank God we live in a country of religious tolerance and freedom.

A country where a Hindu priest, for example, can be offered the privilege of saying the opening prayer in Congress without worry about tyranny from the political arm of the religious majority.

Oops.

Those damned essays

What's Mallard raving about today?

School.

This reads literally as an indictment of children as dangerous free spirits. Which would definitely be the most curmudgeonly interpretation possible.

But it's hard to believe this isn't just another in a long string of indictments of the school system. Although that requires us to believe that, despite the fact that Mallard decries education standards, he views the lack of running and playing in the classroom, and preventing wanton trips to the bathroom to escape class as a flaw in the education system.

Of course, I doubt anyone actually cares which of those it is; what really matter is the question of how long he plans to keep up this rant?

Those damned taxes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, taxes.

Hi, it's me Mr. Secretary of Defense. Support the Iraq War. Pay your taxes and shut up.

Hi, it's me Mr. Secretary of Homeland Security. Support warrantless wiretapping of your phone. Pay your taxes and shut up.

Hi, it's me Mr. Attorney General. Support turning the Justice Department into the law enforcement arm of the Republican Party. Pay your taxes and shut up.

Sorry, Mallard. You don't get to agree with the way every tax dollar gets spent. Welcome to the Social Contract.

Those damned Vikings

What's Mallard raving about today?

Vikings, the NEA.

Dead Horse. Beat beat beat.

That said, I'm a big fan of the two midget Vikings in front of the horde, of whom only the horned hats are visible.

That damned imagination

What's Mallard writing about today?

Imaginary letter writers, imaginary NEA letter writing campaigns, teachers.

Just when I though Mallard had found a high water mark for being pathetic and self-aggrandizing at the same time, he manages to top himself with an imaginary NEA letter writing campaign.

This letter writing campaign will be as massive as the groundswell for Walter Williams candidacy, no doubt. Speaking of which, anyone know what Mr. Williams is polling at these days?

That damned A.C.

What's Mallard raving about today?

Schools, air conditioning, going green.

Rush is back, but that's about all that makes sense.

Our schools standards are too low, however the school year starts too early?

But see the early start is only bad because it uses air conditioning, and that's not environmentally sound.

Only, Mallard doesn't buy into this "going green" bunk.

At which point nothing makes sense...until you remind yourself that Mallard views school as a liberal indoctrination plot. So the whole thing is highly ironic, see?

Those damned denominators

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers.

I'm not sure I'd bring up the topic of lowest common denominator work, my glass-house-dwelling waterfowl friend.

That damned Obama

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Liberals.

In that case, to what do you attribute our Ivy-league educated President's slang, bad grammar, and (I might add) horrifying pronunciation?

By this logic, either he's being patronizing by attempting to appear like a "regular Joe" or he actually is as stupid as he sounds. Go ahead and take your pick.

Those damned toys

What's Mallard raving about today?

Toys.

What I love about panels like this one, where Mallard complains about something that is not in the news, is that it reveals the fact that Mallard believes everyone shares his particular brand of dementia so far as to understand the petty annoyances of his everyday life.

It's what I imagine would happen if Mallard and Al Scaduto of They'll Do It Every Time fame switched jobs for a day. Oh yeah!

Those damned Oner-Role Students

What's Mallard raving about today?

Schools

Mallard has the demented temerity to continue to cast aspersions on the education system. I suppose his recent spate of comics is indictment enough of whatever system spit him out.

I'll try to use small words and talk slowly, Mallard.

The people who would produce the bumper stickers would be the teachers and school administrators, most of whom are members of your generation and went through the same school systems you did.

And they are not as illiterate as whatever duck seems to think Honor Roll is a hyphenate, spelled correctly or not.

Those damned Outraged Readers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Imaginary Outraged Readers.

The idea of inventing imaginary readers who are outraged is, at the same time, the most pathetic and the most self-aggrandizing thing I can imagine.

Slightly less pathetic than repeating the joke and then explaining it.

Most pathetic of all, however is that Mallard considers it a safety feature of his panel that the illiterate will not be incited to violence against teachers because they can't read. Which means he fails to understand that what is outrageous and offensive is not the lamely satirical incitement to violence, but the very real mean-spiritedness towards a group of people who deserve nothing but respect.

Those damned spankings

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education, Teachers, Corporal Punishment.

First, if I can't read that it's probably because some idiot chose yellow on black as the color scheme.

Second, how in the name of a duck's demented mind, would teachers spanking students possibly improve children's ability to read?

Mallard, meet the deep end. Now say good bye as you go off it.

Those damned Liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Education, Hunting and Gathering.

You have to respect Mallard's "The Early Years" work.

It's the ultimate in Straw Man efficiency while maintaining his standards for intellectual laziness.

That damned Sex Education

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Sex Education.

The reason they can't teach Science is because Republican school boards won't allow it.

Those damned teachers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers.

Way to fight the power Mallard. Taking on fat cat, overpaid, pampered teachers! People who contribute nothing to society and just leach off the hard work of others.

Yep, these people are deserving of our utter contempt and scorn.

I assume nurses are next. Then firefighters. And the police. Eventually, no doubt, Mallard will get around to calling out our soldiers who think the Nanny State should be responsible for their medical care and education.

Those damned Alarmists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Nanny State Alarmists, China.

Our air is made in China? We are dependent on China for the very air we breathe?

Man, no wonder Mallard is so scared of them.

That damned __________

What's Mallard raving about today?

Your favorite professional athlete.

Excellent! Audience participation joke time!

Say it ain't so Roger Federer.
Say it ain't so Tiger Woods.
Say it ain't so Peyton Manning.
Say it ain't so Thierry Henry.
Say it ain't so Joe Thornton.

Wait a second...I don't get the joke.

Those damned girls

What's Mallard raving about today?

School, Girls.

And, suddenly, we have a psychological frame of reference for understanding Mallard's intense hatred of Hillary Clinton...an educated girl.

That damned Rush

What's Mallard raving about today?

Longevity.

OK, first things first, since you all probably had the same question I did...who the hell is Rush?

Dave's little boy. Lives to play basketball. Wants to forgo his 4th-grade eligibility and go straight to the pros. His teacher, Ms. Carp (pronounced Mizzzzzz Carp), is also president of the local NEA chapter. She started disliking Rush immediately upon finding out he was named after the talk-show host, not the band. Other kids want to know where babies come from; Rush wants to know why there are no Asian-Americans in the NBA.

After getting that out of the way, I have to say I'm shocked to be reminded this comic has been taking up space in newspapers for over 12 years.

Though I suppose it's worth asking Mallard the following: Are you even trying to be funny anymore, or have you given up completely?

That damned mud

What's Mallard raving about today?

Campaign season, mud-slinging.

Good God! Mallard's "hair" has gone white and his chair has turned into an amorphous blob. How long before we see a Mallard panel decrying the shoddy workmanship of Chinese colorists?

Those damned leaders

What's Mallard raving about today?

Power-hungry megalomaniacs, Barack Obama.

Petulant refusal to engage in diplomacy is not a sign of strength, although I will admit it's what passes for foreign policy among the tiny-brained.

But the larger question: Where the hell is Mallard? Is he afraid to confront Senator Obama himself?

That damned cleavage

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Cleavage, The Press.

Uh, Mallard...you just used "Hillary" and "Cleavage" in the same sentence. I guess that makes you part of the problem, now doesn't it?

That damned Chantel

What's Mallard raving about today?

Singing.

Oh. My. God.

This sad glimpse into Mallard's non-political mindset is so much more frightening that any of his political screeds.

If it were anyone else, I might feel sympathy or suggest psychotherapy. Given that it's a duck who exults in the foibles of others for a living--foibles which often exist only in his own head--I shouldn't be surprised that I feel nothing.

At a minimum, however, we now have a basis for ignoring anything and everything which Mallard has to say about Science given the demonstrated twin idiocy of not understanding what thermodynamics is or that there are not, in fact, 11 other laws. Expect this to come up next time Mallard wants to talk about Global Warming.

That damned doctrine

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Fairness Doctrine.

"Apparently" they are thinking about making a sequel...only, not in any reality-based sense.

The House voted overwhelmingly Thursday to prohibit the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) from using taxpayer dollars to impose the Fairness Doctrine on broadcasters who feature conservative radio hosts such as Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.

By a vote of 309-115, lawmakers amended the Financial Services and General Government appropriations bill to bar the FCC from requiring broadcasters to balance conservative content with liberal programming such as Air America.

Ever since Don Imus was booted from the airwaves, Right Wing gasbags are preemptively painting themselves as saintly victims whose days are numbered by First Amendment-hating zealots.

Not surprisingly, Mallard swallows this hook, line, and sinker. And repeats the claim without basis. And then compounds it all by attempting a tenuous analogy between legislation and a movie sequel.

Those damned bulbs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Going Green, "compact fluorescent" bulbs.

First, without the knowledge that Mallard doesn't believe in compact fluorescent bulbs, this panel could be mistaken for environmental advocacy.

Second, putting "compact fluorescent" in quotes implies that Mallard believes the bulbs are over-sized and not fluorescent.

Third, a light bulb does not "play" an idea. It represents having an idea.

That damned China-Free Section

What's Mallard raving about today?

China.

One sign would have done the trick, there, Mallard. Three signs doesn't make the point any stronger; it just makes you look like a crank.

Oh, wait a second...

Those damned Chinese

What's Mallard raving about today?

Michael Vick, China.

Fair enough.

I won't give up hoping for more outrage regarding Darfur or the fact that the United States is putting people in secret prisons and torturing them.

That damned Michael Vick

What's Mallard raving about today?

Michael Vick, Animal Cruelty.

Michael Vick's animal cruelty is commented on by a sly-eyed little puppy piddling on newspaper.

Thus, Mallard illustrates that years of over-blowing straw man arguments has left him without the ability to comment on a real issue.

Those damed Refs

What's Mallard raving about today?

The NBA, Referees.

I find it interesting that Mallard's point of entry into this particular story is the perspective of an angry, yelling fan.

Make of that what you will.

Those damned pigs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Eminent domain, local governments.

Just when Mallard has you on his side for a particular issue, he goes and ruins everything.

Personally, I'd rather read luxury condo ads in my local newspaper.

That damned Google

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gray Whales, Ice, Google, Global Warming.

Given that the whale apparently believes "Thicker Ice" is "just the opposite of Global Warming," (as opposed to Global Cooling for example), I have to contend that they are not smarter than humans. But, then again, I was not among the "hundreds" unable to find the rather specious article in question.

I will admit I am impressed that whales know how to use Google, however.

That damned Reverend Jackson

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reverend Jesse Jackson, Racism.

So, in conclusion, Mallard does not like Jesse Jackson and must put straw arguments into his mouth to justify it.

Sadly, however, this panel is probably not the conclusion of this thread.

That damned racist

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reverend Jesse Jackson, Racism, Barry Bonds.

I can't be bothered to parse this lunacy, but apparently some pent-up anger regarding Reverend Jackson has erupted in one, long-winded, barely-understandable, catch-all rant.

I hope Mallard feels better now that he's got that off his chest. Otherwise he may continue this rant again tomorrow.

Those damned Liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, profiling.

Hear, hear.

But why be all namby-pamby about it, Mallard? I'm pretty sure all those World War II Internment camps are empty nowadays.

That damned Sea Bass

What's Mallard raving about today?

Al Gore, Chilean Sea Bass, Live Earth.

That's more like it. Classic Mallard: up is down, black is white!

Live Earth engages 2 billion people between TV, Internet, Radio, and Mobile.

Mallard calls that a "flop."

Al Gore goes to a restaurant which serves a tasting menu which includes Chilean Sea Bass--a species that is not listed as threatened or endangered but which are illegally over fished. That said, the fish at the restaurant were "not endangered or illegally caught...[and came] from one of the world's few well-managed, sustainable populations of toothfish, and caught and documented in compliance with Marine Stewardship Council regulations."

Mallard, who isn't even imaginative enough to do the dirty work himself, simply carries water for Matt Drudge's rumor mongering to suggest Al Gore served a threatened species to wedding guests.

You must be so proud.

That damned Obama

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senators Clinton and Obama.

Cattle futures? That's the punchline you want to go with as a resolution for this unbelievably lame set-up?

I should have stayed on vacation...

Meta-Post: I'm Back

I'm back and will begin posting again with Monday's thrilling installment of Mallard Fillmore.

What did I miss?

That damned wrestling

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pro wrestling, The Media.

I'm confused does today's panel even have a punchline?

The only way it you could even possibly argue that it has a punchline is if you thought Mallard was assuming everyone felt pro wrestling already has a bad reputation. But that would make Mallard an elitist bastard, when we know he represents the viewpoint of Joe Everyman, because he said so.

Note: For what it is worth, I like House. That said, I doubt I would like it if it didn't include Hugh Laurie. Conversely, I would probably watch a televised reading of the phone book if it did involve Hugh Laurie. And yet, I also like the Sopranos, even though it does not involve Hugh Laurie.

That damned CDC

What's Mallard raving about today?

The CDC, Bono, Hollywood Producers.

I have to say, $1.7 million seems like a bargain compared to a rush at local Emergency Room by stupid people who were watching House and mis-diagnosed themselves as having a rare disease because House gave out the wrong symptoms.

Even so, cheap shots at Bono are pretty uncalled for.

Meta-Post: Travel

I may not be consistent for the next 10 days as I take a vacation. I will try to post at some point during that time, but it will be light and sporadic.

Those damned posh digs

What's Mallard raving about today?

The CDC, Tax Dollars.

Yeah, Mallard, that kind of waste is limited to government agencies.

I'm sure you can't find similar patterns of behavior in the private sector...cough...Dennis Kozlowski...cough.

That damned pardon

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Scooter Libby.

After 8+ years spent screeching that Bill Clinton was not worthy of The Office, now they trot him out to establish moral equivalency.

OK, Mallard, if that's the game you really want to play...

After the Mark Rich pardon, Congress held hearings on the process. President Clinton waived executive privilege and allowed his aides to testify. Ball's in your court, so to speak.

While we're at it, we might as well impeach President Bush also.

Those damned whales

What's Mallard raving about today?

Arctic Ice, Gray Whales, Global Warming Activists.

How stupid! For Christ's sake the Gray Whale couldn't pass a human through their baleen bristles!

Beyond that, it's probably worth mentioning that "this AP article" turns out to actually be an article from San Luis Obispo quoting a single person's opinion, parts of which later got posted to Free Republic with a link to "AP - Bakersfield"...a link which is broken.

That Free Republic article somehow manages to stop quoting before getting to this: "Perryman predicted the count would go back up in 2008. He said that the ice covering Arctic waters is reported to be thinner and is receding earlier and faster."

Not to mention the fact that this argument is roughly equivalent in intellectual laziness and dishonesty to the argument: "Man it's cold today, Global Warming must be fake."

That damned R-E-S-P-E-C-T

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs, Voter Registration.

I know Mallard is in love with this story, because it reaffirms his belief that hordes of the Great Unwashed are registering to vote for the Other Guys. (Heaven defend us! Next they'll be extending Suffrage to Women!)

But given that it takes a full paragraph to re-state the back story every single god damned day, he should have reconsidered going down this path.

That damned Border Collie

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs, academic standards, progressives, grade inflation.

Honestly, I refuse to read that much text. What the hell is going on this week?

Instead I'm going to point out that college-educated dog shares roughly the same facial expression as Evil Sun. So apparently he is getting his degree in Evil.

That damned something

What's Mallard raving about today?

No idea.

No way I am reading that much text in a comic...a bad comic.

Instead, I will take it upon myself to improve today's effort.

That damned dog

What's Mallard raving about today?

Voter Registration, Dogs.

How scandalous.

I will look forward to three weeks from now when Mallard takes a hard hitting look at vote caging in Florida with his typical blend of vitriol and insight.

Those damned pants

What's Mallard raving about today?

Judge Roy Pearson.

Mallard has absolutely no sense of composition, choosing to draw himself into this panel twice for reasons passing understanding. If this had been a blank white space with text it would have been just as effective.

I said it once, I'll say it again: Mallard is reaching a point where running his comic is akin to publishing a person's diary, assuming that it was a really, really, really boring person.

That damned caveman

What's Mallard raving about today?

Johnny Hart.

I typically give Mallard a pass on things like this. But, for God's sake, "the greatest cartoonist [Mallard has] ever known, [his] hero and friend" died on April 7, 2007!

During the intervening 3 months, Mallard felt the following topics (among others) were more important than a timely tribute to Johnny Hart:

• Evil Sun
• Al Sharpton and Don Imus
• Panhandlers
• John Edwards Haircut
• Sanjaya
• Alec Baldwin
• Reality TV
• Penguins
• eMail
• Rosie O'Donnell
• The Sopranos

I also personally think Johnny Hart would be appalled at how poorly Mallard was able to draw Thor.