That damned Year

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, President Bush

Which would make it, what, the 20th year of the Clinton economy? Except for those good years when Clinton was President, which were years 9-15 of the Reagan Presidency, right?

That damned Party

What's Mallard raving about today?

Office Parties

Mallard's concept of Office parties is straight out of the 50's. Big surprise.

Those damned Moralists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hollywood, Child Molestation

I would like to point out to Mallard that, while he feels he is scoring some political points by highlighting child molestation in Hollywood (a favorite bête noire), by the calculus he is proposing (indict 100% of a cohort in which some are guilty of child molestation) we must indict 100% of College Football, one of his favorite things in the world, as well as College Basketball and the Catholic Church. Plus, you know, Parents.

Look, Mallard, we can condemn child molesters and those who harbor them without bringing cheap political points of view into this. I mean, we can. You, apparently, can't because you are a soulless ideologue.

Those damned Executives

What's Mallard raving about today?

Penn State, Child Molesters

WTF?

That damned Return

What's Mallard raving about today?

Returns, Marriage

You SEE people! The Gays RUINED marriage and forced this lady to return her husband to the store! We warned you!

That damned Scandal

What's Mallard raving about today?

Eric Holder, President Obama

The approaching New Year gives Mallard a chance to reflect on scandals that no one but he and Fox cared about. Way to be relevant, there, Mallard.

Merry Christmas!

Mallard Fillmore spends almost every day of the year being a hateful prick who is the antithesis of what Christ and Christianity stand for ("love thy neighbor as thyself").

So enjoy today when he blandly quotes the Gospel according to Luke, wishes you a happy Christmas, and shows himself reading a book which we are supposed to believe is The Bible, but is more likely Atlas Shrugged, in anticipation of going back to hating everyone but the 1% tomorrow.

In a more general sense, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, or Happy Holidays. Choose one. (But if you make the wrong choice, immediately declare War on Christmas.)

Christmas Eve

Right on schedule, Mallard trots out his piety with a dose of the martyr.

Everyone have a Merry Christmas.

That damned Newt

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Newt Gingrich

Is that the same Newt Gingrich who has slipped behind Ron Paul in Republican polls?

Happy Festivus, everyone!

That damned Man

What's Mallard raving about today?

The NBA

Mallard Fillmore: Parochial idiot.

(For the record, I really didn't care if there was an NBA season. But that doesn't mean I am so stupid as to believe my own views are majority views.)

That damned Nose

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Republican Presidential candidates

I assume we all understand what Mallard is getting at, despite the words he used, which frankly make no sense whatever.

But I wouldn't worry too much, Mallard. I'm sure if Teabaggers hold the Middle Class hostage one more time, voters will come around.

That damned Election

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Presidential Election

Apparently Mallard came up with one fewer ideas than he needed to cover the pre-Christmas publishing schedule, so he dusted off something he wrote earlier and submitted it.

On the other hand, not offensive and something recognizable as a joke.

Those damned Catalogs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Catalogs

Mallard's Season of Petty gripes continues unabated.

And, you filthy Secular Humanist Atheist, it's Christmas Safety Tips, not Holiday Safety Tips.

Those damned Accusations

What's Mallard raving about today?

Santa Claus, Reindeer, Sexual Harassment

Your defense of Herman Cain is that everyone is guilty of Sexual Harassment and has just not been accused yet? Really? That's what you're going with?

That's almost as good as Cain's defense that an infinite number of women could accuse him, but only a handful have, so as a percentage he's quite a noble guy.

Truly astounding, the way the Modern Conservative "mind" works.

Those damned Economists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

And yet, Mallard only supports the 1%. Go figure.

That damned Halftime Show

What's Mallard raving about today?

Tim Tebow

What if Tim Tebow was Muslim. You can just imagine the weeks long tirade Mallard would go on for being open about his religion.

Oh, and Mallard? Free speech gives Tim Tebow the same right to wear his religion on his sleeve as it gives anyone else to criticize him.

Why are Christians so thin-skinned?

That damned Stuff

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

Mallard Fillmore: confusing assertions for facts since 1994.

That damned Age

What's Mallard raving about today?

Kids, Santa

I keep thinking this can't get any worse. And I'm always wrong about that.

Mallard is a joyless spite-filled waterfowl.

Meta-Post: 2000 Posts

Just noticed that yesterday's post was the 2,000th since I started this blog. Hard to believe I've subjected myself to that much Mallard Fillmore.

Same goes for you guys. Thanks for reading and feel free to describe how reading Mallard Fillmore this long has affected you!

That damned Creep

What's Mallard raving about today?

Santa Claus

We continue with Day 13 of A Very Special Mallard Fillmore Christmas.

That damned Gift

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gifts, Women

Mallard continues his assault on Christmas with the double-pronged attack of

1. Using the politically-correct "Holidays" rather than calling it Christmas
2. Being a complete and total asshole, without a single redeeming quality

That damned Part

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas Pageants

I will not be lectured to by someone who is also warring against Christmas.

That damned Planet

What's Mallard raving about today?

Re-Gifting

Short, incomprehensible, not funny. At least one of those is new to Mallard Fillmore.

That damned Tip

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gifts

Holiday Tip? Don't you mean Christmas tip?

That damned Tableau

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas Decorations

Mallard Fillmore believes people buy new Christmas decorations every single year and when the economy is bad can't afford them. In other words, Mallard Fillmore doesn't understand the economy, human beings, or (really) anything.

Also, Mallard why do you hate Jesus? How dare you speak of a Holiday Tableau! It's a Christmas Tableau you evil, Anti-American atheist.

That damned Cat

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cats, Holidays, Reindeer

So, apparently, Mallard Fillmore is going to complain about animals dressed as reindeer until Christmas.

This is a metaphor for the Modern Republican party, however.

• Elevating fake cultural trends to emergency status to rile up supporters and make them easy to manipulate
• Intolerant to the point of biliousness over anything with which they do not agree
• Joyless
• Filibustering everything (including the days leading up to Christmas)
• Obsessed with reindeer

I may have made that last one up.

That damned Percentage

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs, Holidays, Government Money

Wow, apparently this "holiday gifts suck" sequence was the longest (and most boring) lead-in to the lamest punchline ever.

That damned Dog

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pets, Holidays

Considering she apparently has not slept since Halloween, I think that dog may be in error.

I say "dog" based on textual evidence. The drawing suggest the artist has only heard what a dog is, but has never actually seen one.

That damned Scent

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Holidays, Glade Air Freshener

Can I confess that I tuned into Mallard Fillmore today anticipating a Sunday respite from Mallard's unremitting Holiday gloom.

Sadly...

That damned Fragrance

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gifts, Frangarnce

Mallard knows what men who haven't bathed smell like.

Those damned Makers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas, Gifts, Toasters.

Mallard Fillmore hates toasters. Seriously, is Mallard attempting to bore his audience to death?

Those damned Sweaters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sweaters

Someone let Bill O'Reilly and Fox know that the real war on Christmas is being waged by Mallard Fillmore, who is doing his level best to suck every ounce of joy out of the season.

Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can take this stream of unremitting gloom.

Those damned Things

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gifts

Mallard Fillmore is a horrible joyless waterfowl living in a horrible joyless world.

Those damned Gifts

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gifts, Revenge.

Why does it not surprise me that Mallard is an expert on this subject.

That damned Photo

What's Mallard raving about today?

Facebook

How shocking that Mallard doesn't understand social networking. Or human interaction.

That damned Committee

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Super Committee

Thought we probably don't agree on the reasons, the stupidity of the Super Committee is at least one place where Mallard an I can agree.

That damned Policy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rudolph the Reindeer, Santa, The Economy

Mallard's really going to continue with this?

That damned News

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy, Reindeer

Mallard Fillmore thinks people losing their jobs and families being unable to afford Christmas presents is hilarious.

Economically, he may not be part of the 1%. But he is part of the 1% in every other way.

For God's sake, are you really this much of a heartless bastard? I mean, we make fun of you all the time here, justifiably. But I've always assumed you were still basically human (or waterfowl, whatever) despite the fact that your politics are so misguided. After today, however, I'm starting to wonder if I may be being too generous in that opinion.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Mallard hates the free market, but we can all stuff ourselves silly!

That damned Lesson

What's Mallard raving about today?

Jingoism, Foreigners

Most. Meaningless. Statement. Ever.

Those damned Stickers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Volvos, Subarus, Shoppers.

No, Mallard, I do not agree with your smugly asserted premise.

By the way, Mallard, if you were to consume no news at all, you would be more informed than you currently are, since you watch Fox. 

That damned Party

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Clinton. Herman Cain

Seriously? Mallard, based on facts (which I know you have an atavistic reaction against):

• The Media crucified President Clinton.
• Congress Impeached President Clinton
• The United States People re-elected him

Your desperate attempt to rewrite history is baloney. And why do you hate Democracy so much?

Next up: comparisons to Justice Thomas as a defense of Herman Cain.

Those damned Lions

What's Mallard raving about today?

Detroit Lions

That joke would have been so much better before the Lions lost 3 of their last 4 games!

Just want to remind everyone that someone gets paid for Mallard Fillmore, because I know that seems an incomprehensible fact most of the time.

That damned Toy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barbie, Middle-Age Mome

Are these the same Moms who need a break, not a lecture? What kind of Nanny State does Mallard want to live in anyway?

Those damned Moms

What's Mallard raving about today?

Twilight

Day 4 of Mallard extending his political philosophy to everyday life: I'm superior because you enjoy something I don't like. And no, I will not offer a single reason to back up the claim that my opinion on this matter is better than yours.

That damned Role Model

What's Mallard raving about today?

Twilight, Football

So, Mallard, we get it. You are completely unable to communicate with others and completely lack empathy.

We already got that from your politics, so can we please move on?

That damned Promise

Whats Mallard raving about today?

Twilight Saga

Shorter Mallard Fillmore: I am an insufferably smug asshole with no common decency, humanity, or empathy.

Even Shorter Mallard Fillmore: I am a Republican.

That damned Opening

What's Mallard raving about today?

Twilight Saga

His politics aside, on a personal level Mallard Fillmore is more of a prick than inveterate asshole Crankshaft.

Unlike that strip, however, Mallard Fillmore is proud of himself and an avatar.

Frightening, indeed.

That damned Memory

What's Mallard raving about today?

Herman Cain, Justice Thomas

And do you also remember where you were when Joe Paterno's character was assassinated?

Because this line of argument is exactly the same as that would be.

Which is to say that you're a vicious partisan asshole.

That damned Concept

What's Mallard raving about today?

Turkeys

Pssst. No one tell Mallard about the Turducken.

That damned Accountability

What's Mallard raving about today?

Joe Biden

Once again, in a startling development, the Fillmore Foundation releases a study supporting the pre-conceived notions of it's eponymous Founder.

The study does, however, raise at least two interesting questions:

1. As the Fillmore Foundation has only identified a single instance of Joe Biden saying something the Foundation has deemed "offensive", what is meant by the use of the plural "things" in this study?
2. What methodology has the study used to control for the fact that Biden's statement occurred in 2007, while Republicans say multiple offensive things on a daily basis (c.f., Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh, on November 10)?

We await these clarifications.

Veteran's Day

Words aren't all you have, Mallard. Your actions could support current Veterans as something other than a political prop. But, you know, that'll never happen so, you know, carry on fetishizing the Military you giant hypocrite.

Update: I saw this today and wanted to add it to the post: Unemployment for Young Vets: 30%, and Rising. But, of course, one-term for President Obama is more important than the economy, jobs, or veterans, so, you know, keep on carrying that water, Mallard.

That damned Program

What's Mallard raving about today?

Joe Biden

Seriously, you're going with criticism of Joe Biden? Ok, now please cite multiple examples of each claim you have made. I'll wait.

That damned Netflix

What's Mallard raving about today?

Netflix

How cute, Mallard is attempting to be relevant! Failing, of course, but...

Not sure exactly why Mallard hates the Free Market, however.

That damned Experience

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals

Oh, please...it's not even fun making sport at such a feeble effort.

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Dinosaurs

Uh, Mallard, you understand that Tyrannosaurus was also a carnivore, right?

In terms of your metaphor here, if the Tyrannosaurus was "old" then, in the animal kingdom, death is a pretty likely fate. Also, can you think of any other words with the same root as "Tyrannosaurus" which mean this metaphor works better when read with the opposite intent as yours?

God, you really suck at your job.

BTW - I realize I am not in the segment of Mallard's readers which are reflexively reflexively frightened at the dog whistle metaphor of a "pack" of "carnivores."

That damned Plop

What's Mallard raving about today?

Halloween

Mallard's early onset dementia is getting worse by the second.

That damned Stereotype

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, Occupy Wall Street

I think it's absolutely hysterical, and an indication of the absolute intellectual bankruptcy of the Teabaggers, that their main response to OWS is jealousy.

Tebaggers are proving that they have no actual policy underpinning. They are a movement whose only purpose was as a media attention whore to allow Fox, the Koch brothers, and the Republican Party to lie about having populist support.

That damned Host

What's Mallard raving about today?

Muammar Gaddafi, MSNBC

Nice timing.

That damned Mess

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

Uh, by, "those of us" I assume you realize that also include those of us taking part in the protest, right?

By the way, still waiting for a single substantive argument.

Those Damned Slurs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

While scoring 100% on echoing dishonest Fox ad hominem attacks on OWS, Mallard has yet to make a single substantive rebuttal.

In other words, business as usual in the Right Wing.

By the way, I'd like to remind everyone this is the same Mallard Fillmore who decries any claims that Teabaggers are racist.

Those damned Protestors

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

Nope, Mallard. Everyone in the neighborhood was throwing garbage at you because they hate you.

Keep up your feeble efforts to discredit the protesters, however. Your impotent fury is quite funny to watch.

That damned Costume

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

I am reasonably certain there was a point to this. However since Mallard chose to express it using a code understood only by the voices in his head, that point eludes me.

That said, I am hopeful someone is about to take a piss in Mallard's house.

That Damned Holiday

What's Mallard raving about today?

Halloween, Washington DC

Oh, hey, look everyone, Mallard Fillmore is being a total dick about a children's holiday.

How utterly surprising.

That damned Commandment

What's Mallard raving about today?

GOP Candidates, Ronald Reagan

Because what's really wrong with this crop of Republican Presidential candidates is that they are criticizing each other.

Right.

That damned program

What's Mallard raving about today?

Herman Cain

If you want to know what Herman Cain proves, Mallard, it's that Republicans are the party of the ultra-wealthy and that trumps everything else. However, we already knew that.

That damned Herman Cain

What's Mallard raving about today?

Herman Cain, The Media

Yeah, that stupid media. I mean the GOP ignored Herman Cain until after everyone else (not named Mitt Romney) crashed and burned, how dare the media do likewise?

Meanwhile, in the present...how's that media glare working out for old Herman Cain?

That damned Coverage

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street, Teabaggers

Mallard Fillmore: perpetual victim.

Those damned Elites

What's Mallard raving about today?

OWS

Funny how when you're unemployed or under-employed you find yourself with time on your hands.

But, Mallard, we can agree that everyone here would be thrilled if you were unemployed.

Those damed Corporations

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

Damn! Shut OWS down now since Mallard has spotted the flaw in their argument!

By the way Mallard, shall we discuss Tea Party members who use Government services, like roads, traffic signals, police & fire? Strangely, I don't recall you dismissing the Tea Party on those grounds.

Those damned Changes

What's Mallard raving about today?

The USPS

I ask Mallard to cite statistics to prove that the USPS delivers mail to the wrong address at a statistically significant rate. This is not my experience of the USPS, but I accept that my experience is simply a point sampling. Mallard must obviously have data to back up his claim, or he'd simply be a fucking liar. And we all know...OK, here's where I can no longer keep a straight face.

That damned Common Ground

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pets, Taxes, President Obama

Mark the day down. Today is the day Mallard Fillmore, tax-lover and heretic, was excommunicated by the GOP.

That damned Story

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pets, Hallowe'en

Mallard thinks that average Americans deserve a break not a lecture. Except that he likes to lecture people on what he considers acceptable behavior, rather than preferring to allow the Free Market to make those decisions.

Mallard is a liar, hypocrite, and Socialist.

Those damned Dogs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs

Meanwhile, most lies on the comics pages are caused by dressing a duck in a tweed jacket and no pants.

Those damned Costumes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hallowe'en

Congratulations to Mallard Fillmore for finding a new high water mark for creepiness.

That damned Radish

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Whole Foods

Oh, man. It's going to be a whole week of pithy observations which Mallard thinks are contradictory about Whole Foods shoppers. Wake me next week.

That damned Birkenfoods

What's Mallard raving about today?

Volvos, Bumper Stockers.

Mallard, when you pulled this off the shelf because you just didn't feel like writing something new today, did it not occur to you to replace "Volvo" with "Prius" so it sounds like you wrote it this decade?

For God's sake, do we have to do everything for you?

In that vein...here's a fun challenge for the comments: re-write this using fewer than the approximately 50 words it took Mallard.

That damned funding

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hippies, Congressional Funding

Yet another Fillmore Foundation study reinforces the prejudice of the study's sponsor, without any facts behind it. Shocking.

That damned Subsidy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Subsidies, Solyndra, Ethanol

Fascinating that subsidies to the most profitable companies on earth (oil companies) didn't make Mallard's newspaper.

Did I say "fascinating"? I meant "predictable."

Those damned Guidelines

What's Mallard raving about today?

CFLs

Throw it in the trash.

Apparently it takes Mallard several years to read that sentence. I am not surprised.

That damned Study

What's Mallard raving about today?

Voters, President Obama

The Fillmore Foundation: Producing fake studies supporting conclusions which, surprisingly, support the entrenched views of its ideological masters since whenever Mallard's fevered imagination first came up with the idea for a fake foundation.

Exactly like every actual Right Wing "Think" Tank in existence.

That damned Demographic

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Voters

Mallard Fillmore: People only voted for President Obama because he is Black. Wait, why are you calling me a racist?

That damned Book

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ron Suskind, President Obama

Hmmmmmm, I don't recall Mallard's footnoted reference to Suskind's writing about President Bush, but I am sure he gave equal space and credence to Suskind when he was writing about a Republican President. because otherwise Mallard would be a total hypocrite and an intellectual lightweight and, well...we all know that can't be the case.

By the way, I refuse to believe that Mallard read a book. Shouldn't he be citing what Townhall told him the book said?

That damned Card

What's Mallard raving about today?

Greeting Cards, Unemployment, President Obama

The Mallard Fillmore process:

• Step 1. Find item in newspaper
• Step 2. Create a tenuous link to something to which I am opposed.
• Step 3. Find prior artwork that can be re-used.
• Step 4. Express the link from step 2 using the most words possible.

That damned Diagnosis

What's Mallard raving about today?

Facebook

That final panel could be the capstone to every Mallard Fillmore.

Those damned Democrats

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

Mallard Fillmore, for once, hits close to the heart of the actual problem.

Mind you, if anyone pointed out that the issue is that Democrats don't understand why President Obama is sacrificing what is right for the country in a vain attempt to compromise with extremists who care more for party than the country, Mallard's head would expose.

So, you know, someone point that out to him.

That damned Debate

What's Mallard raving about today?

Don't Ask Don't Tell, Colleges

Let's compare lists of college professors fired for that reason and service members discharged just for being gay, OK?

That damned Yellow Dog

What's Mallard raving about today?

Yellow Dog Democrats

Frankly I have no idea what this is about and given the fact that Mallard felt the need to label everything in sight, I'm pretty sure he knows no one will understand either.

Of course, the unspoken message here is that Republicans, largely responsible for the multiple messes we're in, want to continue doing more of the same stuff because it's worked out so well to this point.

But, you know, Democrats, amiright?

That damned Help

What's Mallard raving about today?

Solyndra

This Middle Class voter (or uninsured person), left to die by Republicans, tries another tactic.

Sadly for him, he did not claim to be a Bank. Or Haliburton. Or Blackwater.

That damned Solyndra

What's Mallard raving about today?

Solyndra

Mallard Fillmore never uttered a single harsh word as Wall Street fell apart when pools of loans went south and took the entire world's economy with it.

He never said a word when the Bush Administration simply lost billions of dollars in Iraq and Afghanistan, with no accounting for where they went.

But he's absolutely aghast over the latest Right Wing non-troversy that 100% of the loan guarantees intended to stimulate America's Green Energy industry have not turned out perfectly.

The hypocrisy and lack of intellectual honesty is simply staggering.

That damned Columnist

What's Mallard raving about today?

Katie Pavlich

Mallard Fillmore once more demonstrates his parochialism, believing anyone other than the Teabagger readers of Townhall have heard of this columnist. Also his belief that her writing are based on facts, which would make her unique at that particular website.

That damned Thing

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television

Rootbeer called it: "Oh god, this is start of a story line where he goes shopping for a new flatscreen widescreen tallscreen 1040g 80Hz 3-D LZD HBTV, isn't it?"

That damned TV

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television, technology.

Mallard doesn't understand what a nervous breakdown is and apparently believes it is some sort of age-related disease. Sort of like the early-onset dementia from which he, himself, suffers.

Alternate, equally-plausible, reading: Mallard's television has seen the equivalent of 112 years of usage since 1993.

That damned iPhone

What's Mallard raving about today?

iPhone

Apple releases an iPhone once per year, Mallard. You are an idiot.

Also, why do you hate the Free Market?

That damned Scheme

What's Mallard raving about today?

Social Security

Rick Perry is debating himself?

That damned Treatment

What's Mallard raving about today?

Muslims

It takes a special brand of ass-hattery to look at Muslims fighting for their freedom against tyrannical rule and then produce something as mean-spirited as today's Mallard Fillmore.

But, I suppose we have a right to feel completely superior.

I mean ours was a 100% bloodless revolution in which we asked politely for our freedom and our White brethren in England said "sure, no problem." And it's not like America has ever suffered from internal divisions so large that it caused a bloody Civil War. What's wrong with these Muslims? Why can't they be more like us?

By the way, Mallard Fillmore is not a racist.

Those damned Revolutions

What's Mallard raving about today?

Arab Uprisings

If a Republican or Fox support it, we're for it. Otherwise, we're against it. Was that really so hard?

That Damned Voldemort

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Democrats

Unlike Republican candidates who refuse to distance themselves from Teabaggers who cheer mass killing, yearn for the death of the uninsured, and boo gay soldiers. One must assume they support these Teabagger values as a result.

That damned Designer Cupcake

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cupcakes

Yes. Mallard missed the "designer cupcake" boom. Wink. Wink.

This is about the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, right? Because otherwise, Mallard Fillmore is a fucking lunatic.

Those damned subsidies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Chevy Volt, Government Subsidies.

Remember when Republicans refused to end subsidies to the most profitable companies in the history of the world? And remember how Mallard screeched about Big Government and Federal subsidies during that debate?

Yeah, me neither.

Those damned Extremists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, The Media

I hit refresh 3 times before I realized this was actually different from yesterday.

Teabaggers are no less extremist today than they were yesterday. And this is no less a complete lie than it was yesterday.

Those damned Zealots

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, The Media

Project much, Mallard?

That damned Scare

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, The Media

I'm reasonably certain this is a repeat of an earlier panel by Mallard. In any event, no attempt to portray Teabaggers as harmless little old ladies changes their actual character, which is nothing like that. The Teabagger party is just a refuge for the most extremist elements of the Republican Party wanting to give voice to all of their darkest impulses.

The only part of this that reflects reality is that this Teabagger is insane and/or a delusional believer in Fox Propaganda. How else to explain the fact that she suddenly became "Taxed Enough Already" when President Obama took office and lowered her taxes.

Also, CNN just aired a Teabagger Debate, you idiot.

That damned Status Quo

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

Mallard's concern trolling is touching, but laughable...but I am too busy right now to bother commenting. Please eviscerate in the comments.,

That damned Motion Picture

What's Mallard raving about today?

Movies, Remakes

Mallard Fillmore hates the Free Market.

Those damned Jobs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Jobs, Economists

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! People are unemployed. Hilarious.

I wonder what could be to blame for the lack of jobs?

That damned ATF

What's Mallard raving about today?

The ATF

The best you could think of to draw was a duck head with a smirk that practically demands the reader reach out to smack it off?

That damned Dream

What's Mallard raving about today?

TV

Mallard Fillmore hates the Free Market. And TV.

And yet, it is his sole source of companionship and "information" (aka Lies). He spends 20+ hours per day with TV.

Those damned Gaffes

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Joe Biden

You lie, Mallard. Fox is too busy fainting over the alarming fact that the President used a binder clip to cover the Vice President.

That damned charge

What's Mallard raving about today?

Restaurants

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Exhibit A in the Mallard Fillmore parade of strange and petty grievances about the world around him.

That damned Comparison

What's Mallard raving about today?

Al Gore, Global Warming, Liberals

Meanwhile, Governor Rick Perry compared his denial of climate change to Galileo Galilei, officially demonstrating that Know-Nothingness is now a litmus test for Republican aspirants.

Sept 11, 2001

What's Mallard talking about today?

Out of respect for the victims of 9/11, including those Men and Women who died in a subsequent and totally unnecessary and unrelated war, I won't comment on Mallard Fillmore.

That damned King

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy, Burger King

Mallard Fillmore finds unemployment funny. Not that he's heartless. It's just that unemployed people are funny.

That damned Advisor

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, The Economy.

The Republicans, by contrast, simply don;t care about the economy because the Koch brothers are doing just fine.

Those damned Mobs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sociology, Flash Mobs

Much better to study journalism and spend your life drawing poorly and not making jokes (or sense).

That damned Riddance

What's Mallard raving about today?

NBC News, Western Civilization

Mallard Fillmore believes that NBC News, part of NBC Universal, a joint venture of Comcast and General Electric, desires the end of Western Civilization.

Question for the Comments: Name something less tethered to reality than Mallard Fillmore.

That damned Europe

What's Mallard raving about today?

Europe

Mallard Fillmore decides he should continue demonstrating his lack of understanding of, well...pretty much everything.

Those damned Goats

What's Mallard raving about today?

Goats, Europe.

Because Europe is the one with a band of lunatics bent on destroying the Global economy by suggesting the United States should default on it's debt.

That damned Pastime

What's Mallard raving about today?

Baseball, Football

Mallard's attitude toward sports and politics is the same. Despite all evidence to the contrary, he assumes everyone agrees with him.

That damned Teacher

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers

Mallard Fillmore in a nutshell: Draconian cuts to education (which could have been avoided had we eliminated tax breaks for the wealthy) result in layoffs. But it's the seniority system in Education that's to blame.

I find it hard to imagine anyone could actually be as unintelligent as Mallard Fillmore. Then he publishes his thoughts every day in comic form and I have to realize I am being terribly optimistic.

That damned Base

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN

Wait, what? I thought Obama supporters were supposed to be mindless automatons under his Svengali-like sway?

That damned Election

What's Mallard raving about today?

Elections

It doesn't happen often, but I have no disagreement with Mallard Fillmore today.

That damned Imagination

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Americans

Melty-face President Obama is wrong. If you want things to get better you have to rout the crazies out of power.

Those damned Ratings

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, The Media

You know, Mallard, even if I were to accept your blatant lie that the Media have been in any way silent about President Obama's approval ratings, this is pretty ironic criticism for someone who never once mentioned President Bush's approval ratings (which were half of what President Obama's are).

That damned Affront

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television

Dude is watching Fox...although not on any sort of television I've ever seen.

Those damned Teens

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teenagers

Shorter Mallard Fillmore: You damn kids! Get offa my lawn!

That damned Bond Rating

What's Mallard raving about today?

Incumbents, the Debt Ceiling

Hey Mallard? Remember when you were talking about how terrible it was that the actions of Congress caused S&P to downgrade the US Debt rating? Just yesterday?

So, what do you imagine would have happened to our rating if the US had defaulted on our debt?

You can't have it both ways.

But, thanks for illustrating the largest part of the reason why S&P downgraded us, because a group of ignoramuses is dominating our political process.

That damned Downgrade

What's Mallard raving about today?

S&P

Hey Mallard, I know that's the Right Wing Talking point, but if you'd actually read their reasoning you'd have noticed the part in there where they say the fact that Republicans were willing to consider default was a major part of the reason for the downgrade.

Also, let's not forget this is the same agency that was giving CDOs AAA ratings right up to the very end.

So, you know, fuck off.

That damned Weather

What's Mallard raving about today?

Weather, Global Warming.

Has Mallard stopped watching Fox? Because on Fox, winter storms were proof that Global Warning is not occurring while the summer heat waves indicated nothing at all.

Meanwhile in the reality-based world, where people pay attention to things like Science and Facts, both summer and winter were indications of Climate change brought about, largely, by human activity.

That damned Decade

What's Mallard raving about today?

Movies, Clothes, The Economy

Is this decade known for ugly clothes? Really?

That damned Year

What's Mallard raving about today?

Arab Spring

Wow, even when not being an utter ass hat, Mallard's timing is just lousy.

Those damned Fries

What's Mallard raving about today?

The FDA, Fast Food.

The rate of smoking in the United States has decreased from 42.4% (in 1965) to 20.8% (in 2007).

Mallard Fillmore longs for those halcyon days when almost half the population was giving themselves cancer.

Those damned Comics

What's Mallard raving about today?

Comics, Education

Pick your snark today:

• "Questions about realism from a strip about a newscaster duck?"
• "Reality and Mallard Fillmore? Never met."
• "The solution? Step 1. De-fund schools. Step 2. Give the money to the wealthy and corporations. Step 3. Step 4. Better Schools!"

That damned Commission

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Budget-Cutting Super Friends Committee

Congratulations, Washington, on coming up with a solution that literally no one likes and literally no one thinks will actually work.

We promise, however, we'll try to act shocked when the Republicans hold everyone hostage again and when Democrats utterly capitulate again.

That damned FDA

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fast Food, the FDA.

So, no change at all, then?

That damned Option

What's Mallard raving about today?

Technical Support

If you didn't vote Republican Perhaps all those job creators they shower tax breaks on would staff call centers with Americans, rather than low-wage foreign workers in other countries.

The fact that you're a technical illiterate is your own fault.

That damned Coupon

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

Mallard Fillmore doesn't understand how Groupon works.

That damned Sign

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

That's right, because President Obama is the obstructionist preventing any and all change (except that which benefits the Koch brothers).

That damned Veneer

What's Mallard raving about today?

Politics, compromise.

Mallard is confusing me. I sure hope he's not complaining about Republicans compromising, cause that would indicate he's suffering from delusions.

That damned Psychic

What's Mallard raving about today?

Psychics.

Ummm...OK. Not disturbing at all.

That damned Hatred

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Employers.

I defy you to name one concrete example of an Obama policy that is not business-friendly.

I'll wait...

That damned Belief

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Debt.

Given that Mallard Fillmore did not say anything while the debt was being run up, he has no standing to criticize now.

Getting up on my soapbox for a bit here, this has never been about debt or Government Spending. If so, the national conversation would have started when the debt started piling up and not on January 20, 2009.

This is and always has been about who benefits from Government Spending and now that a Democrat is in office, Republicans worry that Government Spending might not benefit the right people (them and their direct financial contributors) at which point it has to be shut down.

I'm going to say it right now: when the Super Commission fails at its work, the spending cut triggers kick in, and the GOP introduce a Bill to restore Defense Spending (because, don't you support the Troops?)...anyone who does not immediately and without qualification denounce them and their actions is never allowed to speak about deficit spending ever again. Because you don't get to care about it, but only until it affects one of your sacred cows. Because then you're just a hypocrite.

That damned Rating

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bond ratings

Mallard Fillmore isn't even trying anymore.

That damned Prince

What's Mallard raving about today?

Government

Mallard Fillmore is admitting he's an Anarchist.

Why do you hate the Founding Fathers, Mallard?

That damned Stack

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Government

Seriously? That's the best you can come up with?

That damned Show

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dave Ramsey, Uncle Sam

Well, our problem is now obvious. Uncle Sam is eating money rather than spending it.

For the record...I had to look up Dave Ramsey to find out that he's some sort of syndicated Financial guru who emphasizes debt reduction. Because personal household finances and the finances of the United States Government are exactly the same.

That damned Toilet

What's Mallard raving about today?

Toilet Seats, Feminism

Seriously? You're equating toilet seat etiquette with gender equality?

Plus, you're saying you're a man who cares where the toilet seat is left. In other words, you're admitting you're a petty douche bag.

Which comes as a real shock to me, I can tell you.

That damned Tactic

What's Mallard raving about today?

Scare Tactics, President Obama, Social Security

One day after scaring people about Social Security...this?

Seriously, I think Mallard is becoming schizophrenic.

That damned Check

What's Mallard raving about today?

Social Security

Whaaat? I have to go lie down not.

That damned Gold

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gold

Yeah, well, stop watching Glenn Beck, then.

The irony here is that Mallard favors the party representing never-ending tax cuts to the wealthiest people in America and cuts to programs for the Poor and Middle Class.

And sees no contradiction between any of this.

Those damned People

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, President Obama

Usually we only see this bit of faux outrage around Tax day. Here Mallard turns it into something of purest boredom.

That damned Shock

What's Mallard raving about today?

Casey Anthony, The Economy.

How long until President Obama's rogue teleprompter shows up in this Casey Anthony sequence?

That damned Career

What's Mallard raving about today?

Casey Anthony

I want to remind you that this is the same Mallard Fillmore who was recently saying that minorities do worse in school because they watch too much television.

That damned Soup

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cavemen, Soup.

Isn't that cute. Mallard is trying to use a scientific term. Of course, he has no idea what he's talking about, but it's still cute.

Those damned Jobs

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

Having, as far as he can tell, plumbed the depth of humor available in the rogue teleprompter series, mallard moves on to criticize President Obama for wanting a second term.

That damned Stand-Up

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

Wake me when its over.

That damned Location

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

This is the raving of an unhinged mad man/duck.

An unhinged mad man without anything legitimate to gripe about, so he's wildly inventing things to gripe about.

It might be sad, if Mallard were worth of even the smallest amount of sympathy...but he's not.

That damned Teleprompter

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Teleprompters

Someone wake me when this particular series of gripes is over.

That damned Inheritance

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Accents

Some of you, eh? Seriously, Mallard, you're not only the only one talking about this, you're also the only one who is bothered by it.

With the Economy lagging, the US about to default on its debt, three wars, and a host of other ills facing us...Mallard is bothered about the way someone speaks.

Congratulations, newspapers everywhere, for setting aside space for this cutting-edge commentary.

That damned Arugula

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama.

Mallard Fillmore hates politicians who speak differently when campaigning or when addressing the public.

Mallard Fillmore hates President Reagan and Winston Churchill...to name just two people.

The only funny thing about today's effort by Mallard is that he believe anyone cares about this particular gripe.

That damned Desire

What's Mallard raving about today?

Human Interaction, Politics.

The person closest to Mallard asks for human contact, human interaction.

Mallard, instead, provides a lame political "joke."

Anyone surprised?

That damned Vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

I am on vacation and have no idea...have fun in the comments!

That damned Vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

I am on vacation and have no idea...have fun in the comments!

That damned Vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

I am on vacation and have no idea...have fun in the comments!

That damned Vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

I am on vacation and have no idea...have fun in the comments!

That damned Vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

I am on vacation and have no idea...have fun in the comments!

That damned Vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

I am on vacation and have no idea...have fun in the comments!

That damned Jeffrey

What's Mallard raving about today?

Social Networking.

Ummm, OK. So, Jeffrey is using his computer, staring at it with an expression of deepest rage, and ignoring his wife and visitor.

Anyone else feel like we're deep into creepy unintentional self-revelation territory here?

By the way, break...not a lecture.

That damned Email

What's Mallard raving about today?

Email, Emoticons.

Mallard has found that, somehow, his racist Emails followed by a winky emoticon have not been fully understood as just a joke, because some of his best friends are black, don't you know.

In other news, ordinary folks deserve a break, not a lecture.

That damned List

What's Mallard Fillmore raving about today?

Email

People with an ounce of social skills don't get Emails like that, Mallard.

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television.

If you though there was no way Mallard could top yesterday, you won't believe today.

Unintentional though it may be, this is as truthful as Mallard Fillmore has ever been.

That damned Disclaimer

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television

One day after decrying minorities as lazy, TV-watching slobs, Mallard Fillmore (with no hint of irony) can be found sitting in front of his television, too lazy to change the channel.

Honestly, how does Mallard's head not explode?

That damned Entertainment

What's Mallard raving about today?

Minorities, Entertainment, Education.

So says the duck who spends 17 hours a day in front of the TV.

But, Mallard, minorities everywhere thank you for your concern trolling. It's very sweet of you, really it is.

That damned Address

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Michelle Obama, Michele Bachman

Mallard Fillmore announces that his support is behind Rep. Michele Bachman (R-Mars).

All I can say about that Mallard is I hope she is the GOP nominee.

That damned Prequel

What's Mallard raving about today?

Superheroes.

The last person I am going to listen to about comic book movie adaptations is Mallard Fillmore.

That damned Coverage

What's Mallard raving about today?

Americans, The Media, Scandals

So says Mallard, who has spent at least half of 2011 splayed in front of the TV, irradiating his crotch.

By the way, ordinary people deserve a break, not a lecture. Asshole.

Those damned Producers

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Hollywood, Scandals

Mallard will be in front of the TV, complaining bitterly, while watching every episode end-to-end.

Those damned Heels

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Scandals, Wives.

Today, Mallard Fillmore says something that never needed saying.

Taking over 30 words to say it.

And, to make matters even better, he's now said the same thing 3 days in a row.

That damed Zoom

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Sex Scandals.

You know, I wish Mallard had not gone with "zoom in" in reference to Anthony Wiener's crotch shot. I really do.

That damned Coverage

What's Mallard raving about today?

Media Coverage

When Mallard Fillmore thinks the media have gone too far covering a sex scandal involving a Democratic politician, CNN should be really, really, really ashamed of themselves.

That damned Quote

What's Mallard raving about today?

Thomas Jefferson

You realize Texas erased Thomas Jefferson from American History because he was a Liberal, right?

That Damned Bad News

What's Mallard raving about today?

U.S. History, Americans

First two pieces of bad news are both uncited and as likely pulled from cloaca as based in actual fact.

The second, especially, sounds very much like a Fox fact (e.g., a Lie).

The third, is notable because 100% of these High School Students spent their Elementary and Middle School years under policies from the Bush Administration during a period in which Republicans controlled virtually all the levers of Government.

Which is to say that I am sure this is all the Democrats fault.

By the way, on this 4th of July, Mallard would prefer you have a lecture, rather than a break.

That damned Shovel

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy, President Obama

President Obama is going to dig the economy out of the grave Republicans put it into?

Those damned Seconds

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sara Palin, The Media.

Would still be better than watching Fox's Palin Masturbation Minute.

That damned Ceiling

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Debt Ceiling

When?

When you buy a house. Or a car. Or put something on your credit card.

The point Mallard is not that the government should never rack up debt. It should rack up debt only for the right thing. You know, things which don't include:

• Unnecessary Tax Breaks for Millionaires & Billionaires which do nothing to stimulate the Economy
• A Drug Benefit Program, unpaid for, written by and for the benefit of drug companies
• Unnecessary Wars with no end in sight

That damned Golf

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

So we're making fun of President Obama for golfing now?

Really scraping the bottom of the barrel, eh?

That damned Candidate

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mitt Romney, GOP Candidates

What they mean by "presidential" is that by contrast to the other GOP candidates, he's not bat-shit insane.

What they mean by "flip-flopper" is that he is now doing his best to appear as bat-shit insane as the rest of the GOP candidates, because that's what Republican voters like you want.

What any of this has to do with President Obama is something known only to Mallard, of course.

One can guess that he thinks it's automatically hilarious to insinuate a pejorative about President Obama, regardless of whether there's anything truthful (or funny) about it. For this reason, no one ever describes Mallard Fillmore as "funny".

That damned Reason

What's Mallard raving about today?

Anthony Weiner

There is no reason, by contrast, for anything Mallard Fillmore does, ever.

That damned Helmet-Cam

What's Mallard raving about today?

Helmet-Cams

Mallard Fillmore has officially lost his mind.

That damned Recognition

What's Mallard raving about today?

GOP Candidates, Anthony Weiner

Mallard Fillmore, ladies and gentleman...the only entity alive unable to actually generate humor from the Anthony Weiner saga! You must be so proud.

That damned Poll

What's Mallard raving about today?

NBC News, President Obama

Given that the majority of all Americans agree with that statement, results tend to be skewed in that direction anyway.

Which makes your pretend poll results a lot less shocking than my pretend poll, in which I found that 100% of Fox employees, as a condition of employment, must accept that President Obama is a Kenyan-born Marxist, who is literally bent on destroying America, probably the Anti-Christ, and even if he weren't all those things, still less qualified to be President than a boiled potato who belonged to the Republican Party.

If media bias ever existed (and truthfully the meme of Liberal Media bias can be traced back to Nixon and his paranoid brain), it is no longer a driving force behind Corporate-driven News, whose bias is toward whatever suits the parent company.

So, in summary, you're an idiot.

That damned Male

What's Mallard raving about today?

Anthony Weiner

Great example today of why, even when Mallard Fillmore is not being a lying propaganda tool, it's still such a pile of crap.

On the surface, it appears this woman is sending out the message in question, rather then receiving it. Of course, just the opposite is true.

It also appears Mallard doesn't actually understand Twitter and is confusing it with some sort of dating site.

That damned Development

What's Mallard raving about today?

Honestly, after the lightweight display put on by the Media during the Weiner saga, this is the best you can do?

That damned Apology

What's Mallard raving about today?

Anthony Weiner

Using a young child to make a "joke" about sending pictures of a boner out via Twitter isn't creepy at all.

That damned Economy

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy, President Obama.

Yeah, so where's all those jobs the GOP promised in the mid-terms Mallard? Too busy attacking women, the Middle Class, and unions to get around to creating jobs, are you?

Besides, most people still blame President Bush for the economy, something you, oddly, never did while he was in office driving the economy off the cliff.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day, everyone.

As a present to the Dads out there, I'd suggest you give yourself a present and not read Mallard Fillmore today, because I'm fairly certain you're not the kind of Dad a child can look up to, in Mallard's estimation.

Those damned Careers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education, Engineering, Psychology

Fresh off mocking Social Networking, Mallard Fillmore (who regularly derides Higher Education) reads USA Today and finds out the Engineers, such as those responsible for building Social Networks, earn much more than he does.

Psychology majors do as well, but who's counting?

That damned Social Networking

What's Mallard raving about today?

Social Networking.

Could it be that Mallard is pissing and moaning about LinkedIn's IPO? The timing is about right...but that would be pretty damned hilarious, when you think about it.

Mallard Fillmore, who contributes negative value every day of his life, complaining that LinkedIn's IPO was over-valued, or questioning whether it had value at all.

Plus, what kind of Marxist Free Market hater is Mallard anyway?

Those damned Benefits

What's Mallard raving about today?

Relationships.

Mallard, when making a joke about "virtual" relationships, it works best if the people are not in the same physical space.

Also, never, never, never, never, never, never, never make me think of sex while reading Mallard Fillmore again.

That damned Phenomenon

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television, Oprah Winfrey

Seriously? Mallard Fillmore is criticizing people for watching too much TV? Do I really need to count the number of panels so far this year in which he's been plopped in front of the TV?

Not to mention...you missed the whole Oprah phenomenon? That doesn't mean you don't watch daytime TV; it means you live with your head up your ass.

And finally, what an elitist jerk.

That damned Time

What's Mallard raving about today?

Oprah, Reading

Yeah, I have no idea what this is about, except to say that Mallard is a smug Elitist.

An Elitists who can't really write a coherent sentence, but...

That damned Debate

What's Mallard raving about today?

Republican Debate, Reality TV

In fairness, Mallard, the people appearing on The Bachelorette are less bat-shit insane than those appearing in the Republican debate.

Which, I suppose, would be a reason to prefer the Republican Primary as your viewing pleasure if it were a reality TV show, except that it's far too mean-spirited towards average Americans and turns off viewers.

On an unrelated note, good luck in 2012!

That damned Live-Tweet

What's Mallard raving about today?

Twitter

Isn't that cute, Mallard is trying to appear relevant in Modern society.

Those Damned Nazis

What's Mallard raving about today?

Nazis, Democrats

A Google search to attempt to figure out what Mallard is referring to yields links to articles about a Republican Representative publicly making a Gestapo reference regarding Education reform.

Further down the page, you can also find that a Republican claims a teacher sent him an Email similarly comparing Education reform to the Holocaust.

Republican representative making a public statement vs. an Email from a teacher.

Those Liberals have no shame!

What's Mallard raving about today?

GOP Candidates, Racism, The Media

Mallard, it's a lovely persecution complex you have going here. Part of the grievance-based ideology, I understand.

But here's my challenge to you: List specific incidents in which a GOP candidate said something that was decried in a mainstream media source as racist code or being dog whistle politics, and let's analyze what was said and see if the answer is for the media to stop decrying harmless things as racism or maybe, just maybe, the answer is for GOP candidates to stop saying things that are racist in nature.

I'm willing to take my chances on which of those proves to be true.

Unfortunately such a challenge is doomed from the start, since the usual standard for analysis is whether a reasonable person would find it racist. Mallard will, of course, insist he is a proxy for all reasonableness, and doesn't find the phrase "food stamp President" racist in any way: "What could possibly be racist about that? There are white people on food stamps. And some of my best friends are black."

That damned Code

What's Mallard raving about today?

GOP Candidates, Elections, The Media.

Mallard Fillmore breaks open a major case! How can everyone not be talking about this?

I mean it's not like GOP candidates are calling President Obama a "food stamp President" or anything like that!

That damned Show

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality T.V.

Hey, Mallard, are you talking to the same people who need a break, not a lecture? Because, you know, your ongoing diatribe against Reality TV sounds to me like a self-superior lecture.

Plus, why do you hate the Free Market?

That damned Week

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hats

No. But I have something against heavy-lidded leering from dead-eyed waterfowl.

That damned Longing

What's Mallard raving about today?

Donald Trump, The Media.

Don't fret, Mallard. They're busy chasing Anthony Weiner's weiner.

Those damned Rankings

What's Mallard Fillmore raving about today?

Education

The fact that any school anywhere invited Mallard Fillmore to give their commencement address pretty much explains those other statistics.

It's important also not to mention the fact that Republicans have been largely in charge of government during this slide. Because, clearly, this is all the Democrat's fault.

That damned Tweet

What's Mallard raving about today?

Social Media, Republican Presidential nominees.

Hey, GOP. When a lickspittle like Mallard Fillmore thinks your candidates are lame, you're in real trouble. Real. Trouble.

If you actually care about the deficit, how about just admitting you're going to get your ass handed to you and donate all your campaign funds to deficit reduction instead?

That damned iPhone

What's Mallard raving about today?

iPhones, Race

Most tortured metaphor ever.

That damned Guy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Commercials

First off, Mallard...turn off the TV. We have no idea what you are talking about.

Second, why do you hate the Free Market?

Third, you've been a lick spittle for the Insurance industry since President Obama took office...do your corporate masters know you're criticizing them now?

What's Mallard raving about today?

Osama, President Obama, Hillary Clinton

Wow, OK...really? This is the best you got?

Well, at least with this feeble effort, Mallard is admitting that President Obama is going to be re-elected, if his biggest worry is the non-existent possibility of a challenge from Hillary Clinton.

Those damned T-Shirts

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fidel Castro, Che Guevara, Grad Students

You know how Mallard bleats about Higher Education and speech codes which he sees as a threat to Right Wing speech?

Well, forget that for a moment, because T-shirts worn by college students is a dire threat to America and must be stopped!

Memorial Day

What's Mallard raving about today?

Memorial Day

If you really cared, Mallard, you'd have been an actual detractor of the war in Iraq and demanded more from the war in Afghanistan.

As it is, you have no stead to wrap yourself in the flag.

Memorial Day

What's Mallard raving about today?

Memorial Day

"So on this day of silent remembrance and solemn prayer I ask all Americans, wherever you are, whoever you're with, whatever you're doing, to pause in national unity at 3:00 this afternoon. I ask you to ring a bell, or offer a prayer, say a silent 'thank you.' And commit to give something back to this nation -- something lasting -- in their memory; to affirm in our own lives and advance around the world those enduring ideals of justice, equality, and opportunity for which they and so many generations of Americans have given that last full measure of devotion."

- A Socialist Muslim Usurper at Arlington National Cemetery

That damned Infringement

What's Mallard raving about today?

Readers.

If Mallard can be believed (a big "if") people are reading Mallard Fillmore.

So, yes...people are getting stupider.

That damned Sign

What's Mallard raving about today?

Emailers, Signs

Mallard Fillmore is shocked, shocked I tell you, to find that everyone does not share his precise world view.

I mean, how can that be true since his views are exactly what Fox says they should be?

That damned Colonoscopy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Aging, Colonoscopy

That's it? 3 comments on the killing of Osama Bin Laden?

(Bear in mind that this is the same Mallard who has wet his pants at least a dozen times about how we need to profile all Muslims in line to board an airplane.)

And now you're talking about shoving a camera up your cloaca?

The damned Credit

What's Mallard raving about today?

Navy Seals (or Eagles?), President Obama.

Now that's more like it, we're back into total Right Wing lickspittle territory!

The Navy Seals deserve all the credit they have gotten for a mission well done.

But, I'm sorry Mallard, the Seals didn't make the call to go in. And the person who made the call deserves credit for making that call.

The orgy of blame that would have ensued from the Right Wing had the mission failed (or had it been discovered we passed up the chance entirely), demands and equal and opposite apportionment of credit for the opposite result.

That damned Future

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pakistan

Truthfully, I never really consider the quality of Mallard Fillmore as a comic, because it's so impossible to discern beneath all the mindless hatred and blatant lies on display.

On a day like today, when Mallard Fillmore is saying nothing hateful and nothing which is a blatant lie, I can pause to ponder that question and realize just how objectively dreadful it is.

That damned Idiom

What's Mallard raving about today?

Royal Wedding, Osama Bin Laden

Points given for an actual attempt at something recognizable as humor.

Those damned Buzz-Killers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education

For those of you who have forgotten, what the study actually says is this: "...the authors followed more than 2,300 undergraduates at two dozen universities, and concluded that 45 percent 'demonstrated no significant gains in critical thinking, analytical reasoning, and written communications during the first two years of college."

Mallard sees no irony in the fact that he lacks the necessary critical thinking and analytical reasoning to actually comprehend the study to which he refers.

And, while lying about the study, Mallard can't even quote the percentage right (36% vs. 45%)....one day after chastising a child for mis-spelling a word in an Email.

Mallard Fillmore: Less intelligent than a 5th grader, with less self-awareness, and delusions of grandeur.

That damned Maid

What's Mallard raving about today?

Emails.

Mallard's perfect timing continues...a day after a Right Wing Lap Dog mis-spells "lunch" in the comments here at Duck and Cover, Mallard rails about a high school student mis-spelling a word in an Email to Mallard Fillmore.

So, Anonymous commenter, your idol, Mallard Fillmore thinks you're an idiot.

That damned Graphics Error

What's Mallard raving about today?

Donal Trump's Hair

All of that is fine, but doesn't explain his lower lip in today's panel. What's the hell is going on with that?

In other news, Newt Gingrich is challenging Trump for the fastest slide into irrelevance.

That damned Vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gas Prices

And yet, Republicans do not favor reduction of welfare for Oil Companies nor regulation of the financial industry to prevent speculation artificially driving up prices.

That said, only Elitists travel outside America, so...it's all for the best.

That damned Smartphone

What's Mallard raving about today?

Smartphones

Osama Bin Laden is dead...but Mallard has identified our new enemy! It's Steve Jobs and his nefarious iPhone.

That is until Mallard catches up with outrage over the White House inviting Common to a poetry jam. But remember, everyone, racism is dead.

That damned Dinosaur

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dinosaurs, Racists

Are there some species of dinosaur not assumed to be extinct of which I am not aware?

This panel sets a record for the most unnecessary words in a single sentence.

Those damned Birthers

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Birthers

First of all, 30% of Republicans still believe President Obama was not born in the U.S. even after he released his Birth Certificate. There was never an real worry that showing proof they were wrong would make the lunatic fringe go away, since this was never a reality-based belief anyway.

Second, I don't think anyone needs to worry about a dearth of crazy Republican conspiracy theorists for the next 18 months. If 100% of Birthers gave up this particular conspiracy, the only remaining question would be: what crazy conspiracy will replace it?

Way to cleave to the Talking Points, though. The whole Birther thing was President Obama's fault...he wanted republicans to look crazy and tricked them into going along with the plan! He's a crafty Nigerian...I mean American.

Unfortunately, you're a couple of weeks late and events have overtaken those Birther talking points.

Those damned Fireflies

What's Mallard raving about today?

CFLs

After setting a seemingly impossibly low water mark yesterday, Mallard follows up strong by making absolutely no sense at all. Unless you share his mindless hatred of CFLs, of course.

That damned Candidate

What's Mallard raving about today?

Candidates.

DJ 3000: Those clowns in congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns.
Bill: [laughs] How does it keep up with the news like that? 

Mallard Fillmore copies the DJ 3000, only he thinks he actually made a joke worth making.

This is the kind of cutting edge quality we've come to expect from zombie comics whose main goal is not upsetting the septuagenarians who grew up on it.

Congratulations to Mallard Fillmore on those high aspirations!

That damned Prince

What's Mallard raving about today?

Princes, Email scams.

How edgy! Mallard combines the recent Royal Wedding with Email scams from last decade! What's next, a Parkour reference?

At any rate, I suppose this means we're close to finding out from Mallard why President Obama deserves no credit for killing Osama Bin Laden. Place your bets!

That damned Problem

What's Mallard raving about today?

Obesity, Starvation.

Mallard Fillmore finds the silver lining ins Childhood Obesity.

That damned Cialis

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television, Pharmaceuticals.

Oh, Mallard! Why do you hate the Free Market?

And why can't you change the channel on your TV, like the rest of us?

Those damned Doctors

What's Mallard raving about today?

Doctors.

Mallard, the compliment about Dr. Singhal (who doesn't keep patients waiting all day) would probably make more sense if it was not paid from the waiting room.

I know it's asking a lot for you to think of, let alone draw, people in a state of anything other than inactivity (art reflects what we know, after all, both mentally and physically).

That damned Chimp

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Bush.

It's totally incomprehensible how anyone could believe that racism fuels opposition to President Obama.

I  mean, we've had 44 Presidents in our history and questions about whether they were actually born in America have been asked of each and every one. So, what's your point?

That damned Funding

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cowboys, Poetry.

Mallard Fillmore wakes up one morning seething about the fact that the Arts gets about $146M in funding from the U.S. Government.

He never wakes up angry that Oil companies, already among the most profitable in human history, get around $4B from the U.S. Government.

No one is, of course, surprised by this. If Mallard were ever to exhibit intellectual honesty, he would no longer be acceptable to the Wingnut Welfare state and lose his only current and potential source of income.

On another note, one can only speculate about the significance of Mallard's choice of Cowboys to make his point.

Those damned TVs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television, Technology.

Average Americans may need a break not a lecture. But that won't stop Mallard from lecturing to all but 4 of us.

That damned Trump

What's Mallard raving about today?

Donald Trump, President Obama.

Nice work, Mallard. In the meantime, Donald Trump is rapidly becoming a punchline while President Obama accomplished the ultimate in substance over style.

That damned Indignation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Foreign Policy

Hypocrisy, thy name is Mallard.

Invade Iraq for no reason? I'll be silent when the President is Republican. Assist Rebels against a dictator notorious for supporting terrorists? Unconscionable when the President is Democratic.

But, hypocrisy aside, please keep up with the Foreign Policy angle, there Mallard. It's a real winner for you.